I am fascinated with the whole New Year’s holiday. For the life of me I cannot understand why we have decided to celebrate having to go out and buy a new calendar. I know there are other holidays that are just as confusing.

I never have understood how a furry rodent suffering from Sciophobia (a fear of shadows) was able to score not only a cool holiday like Groundhog Day but also a classic movie. And don’t even get me started on Columbus Day where we celebrate men who get lost and don’t stop and ask for directions. Seriously, who comes up with these?

Sorry I think I took a severe left turn on the off-topic turnpike there. Where was I? Oh yes, New Year’s. So basically we have a holiday where people stay up late and stare at the clock then count down the minutes and seconds until the calendar expires requiring us to go to Barnes & Noble and buy a new one.

Let’s not forget that participants are to ingest large amounts alcohol, wear funky little hats, sing songs that make absolutely no sense what so ever. Exactly what IS an Auld Lang Syne? I swear those are not even real words. Then at the stroke of midnight you are supposed to kiss complete strangers. Yeah this has bad news written all over it.

The weirdness of this holiday doesn’t stop there though. There’s the whole New Year’s resolution tradition. Can’t you just see some guy standing in the middle of Time Square in New York City as the ball is falling and he starts to scream, “This year I am going to lose weight, be nicer to my neighbors, and learn to speak a foreign language!”

Maybe I have an issue with this holiday because I didn’t think of it. I’m sure I would feel differently if it was my idea. So rather than just sitting around complaining I’ll just go with the flow. I’ll wear the goofy hat, blow the cheesy horn, and kiss the complete stranger at midnight. Ok I’ll probably skip that last one and just kiss my wife.

As for New Year’s resolutions, I’ll try to start one item on Trina’s “honey-do” list. I’ll call all my kids by their given name instead of “hey you little person”. Oh and I resolve to go to every Arizona Diamondbacks home game. Hey, a guy has to have one thing that he can accomplish during the year.

I have never been one who was overly excited about Halloween. Horror movies never were a big thing for me and I absolutely hate sitting at home waiting for the doorbell to ring so that I can hand out candy. Still, looking back over my life I have to admit I have a lot of memories surrounding Halloween.

As a child I lived in what I now think of as rural Idaho. At the time I thought I lived in the big city but your perspective changes as you get older and you realize that the town you grew up in could fit inside Chase Field in Phoenix and it would not even be a sell-out crowd.

Fall weather in Idaho can run the gambit of being slightly cool to being down right frigid. It really didn’t matter what costume you decided to wear trick or treating. By the time the sun set Halloween night everyone went out dressed like Eskimos.

On more than one occasion I can remember going trick or treating around the neighborhood pulled on a sled by my parents. We knew we were having a heat wave if you could actually see a piece of your costume not covered by a hat, coat, snow pants, or facemask.

Maybe global warming was occurring even then because as I grew older I don’t remember the snow as much. I do remember my friends and I plotting a path throughout the city that would net us the most treats on Halloween night.

Even before October 31 we had scoped out the various neighborhoods. We had committed to memory all of the houses who gave great treats in years past and made sure we stopped at the Hostess truck driver’s house early before the Twinkies were all gone.

My parents were typical middle-american heartland style of parents. They were pretty lenient in allowing me some freedom of costume and I never really went for the really outrageous outfits. I was more of a super hero costume kind of guy and was particularly fond of Spiderman and Batman’s sidekick Robin.

Our house was always decorated with pumpkins, which had been carved by my brothers and me. We may have a few corn stalks in the front yard and possibly a scarecrow but that was about it. I remember when I was in fifth grade I somehow talked my mother into building a ghost that covered the screen door in the front of our house. It had two slits that you could slide your hands through to hand out candy. It was the big hit of Halloween and kids at school talked about it for days.

As I got older and beyond trick or treating age I found myself in charge of Halloween decorations and handing out candy. One particular year my parents were gone leaving me in charge. We went all out on decorations.

I ran a wire from the top of the house to a tree next to the driveway. On the wire I mounted a ghost on a pulley. From inside the house I could release the ghost and it would fly down from the house to the tree.

My brother and I went down and found a box the size of a coffin. We cut out a top and had a friend lay inside. We placed the candy bowl on top of the box with a sign that told kids to take one piece. When they reached for the bowl, an arm would jump out of the box and grab the kid.

For two weeks leading up to Halloween we had a scarecrow sitting in a lawn chair in the front yard next to the door. On Halloween night we replaced the scarecrow with a person dressed in the same clothes. People had become accustomed to seeing the scarecrow and paid it no attention. Every few kids that came by the scarecrow would reach out and grab a child.

We ran speakers to the windows and played haunted house music throughout the night. Someone would flip the lights on and off during the sounds of lightning. It was a simple effect but seemed to work really well.

Our house was located in a neighborhood where lots of kids came and went. We would normally go through six or seven large bags of candy each Halloween. For some reason that year we ended up with more candy than we gave out as kids dropped their treat bags and ran from the house.

For years after that Halloween no one would come to our house trick or treating. It always puzzled my parents why there was a sudden change in the number of kids who would visit the house at Halloween.

I remember in high school I was at home when late after trick or treating was over I received a frantic knock on my door. I opened it to find my wife (then my girlfriend) Trina standing there with Steve Gray and Lauren McNeely. They both looked frightened to death.

They explained that they had seen a strange light at a nearby park and decided to investigate. They snuck up to see what was happening and came face-to-face with a satanic ritual. They were sure they were spotted and ran as fast as they could to escape with their lives.

I took them back to retrieve Steve’s car. We could find no sign of the Satan worshipers but Steve, Lauren and Trina swore that they were there. Now every Halloween Trina reminds me of the time she was nearly abducted by followers of Satan. Steve too comments on this every time I see him.

It’s funny, for a guy who never really was into Halloween I seem to have a lot of memories of this holiday. Hopefully I’ll survive another year of dishing out candy and Trina and Steve will once again be safe from the devil worshipers.

According to my calendar, today is Columbus Day. As I have written previously, I have an issue with Columbus Day in general. I just do not get why Columbus gets his own holiday. I know he supposedly discovered the new world but I still have a problem with that given that there was a Native American welcoming party when he arrived. As near as I can tell, if you discover something you probably should be the first guy there otherwise it defeats the whole discovery concept.

But hey, you have to give Columbus credit, even though he got here late to the party he had the right propaganda machine in place to take credit for something he didn’t really do and was able to cover up the whole fact that he was actually just lost.

I started wondering, could I pull a Columbus trick myself? Was it possible for me to cover up all the screw-ups I ever make and instead focus on something completely unrelated to divert people, in particular my wife, to instead look at my actions as worthy of a holiday in my honor? It was worth a shot.

This morning my wife announced that today was not actually Columbus Day but was instead National Lawn Seeding day. For those who live in the colder parts of the country let me explain what this means. In Arizona we have two seasons, Hotter than Hades Summer and Almost as Hot as Hades Winter.

Growing up in Idaho where they had four seasons – Winter, Waxing Winter, Waning Winter, and Feels Like Winter; I was used to the grass going brown and going dormant during Waxing Winter season. I just assumed that the grass went dormant due to the cold and frigid weather.

When we moved to Arizona I just assumed that grass would stay green all year long since winter was much nicer than the summer in Idaho. I was alarmed to find that in the fall my grass went brown and dormant. After a frantic visit to the nursery I learned that to have green grass I had to “overseed” my lawn with a winter grass. By the way there are two kinds of nurseries. Do not under any circumstances confuse the two. Hospitals get really ticked off if you bring dead grass in and start asking questions. Trust me on this one.

So if you want green grass during the winter months you have to plant a different type of grass in the winter than in the summer. In order to germinate the winter grass should have daytime temperatures in the 70’s or low 80’s making this time of year the perfect time to “overseed”.

Today happened to be the day that Trina decided we would go through the changing of the grass ritual. I was responsible for going to the store and getting the grass seed while she prepared the lawn. I always thought preparing the lawn meant giving it some kind of druid blessing but it really means cutting the summer grass down to its roots and spreading gypsum and fertilizer over its surface.

Before I left Trina gave me specific instructions and a shopping list of supplies I was to bring back. I can only imagine that Christopher Columbus went through a similar thing with Queen Isabella. I can just hear her saying, “I need you to go pick up a few things for me. Do you think you can handle this simple task?”

Chris was probably in the middle of watching a baseball play-off game and only half heard what Izzy was saying. It was only when she threatened to turn off the ballgame or even worse to change channels and force him to watch Oprah that Chris agreed to going to the store.

Columbus like any guy decided to call his buddies and see if they wanted to go to the store with him. And since Chris had the best flat screen television of all of his friends he had some leverage to force them to have to go to the store to get his girlfriend off his back.

I was in a similar quandary and after a few calls I found a couple of friends who like me were being sent out to pick up a few things. In an effort to be more green we decided to car pool and since I had the only ship with gas I was elected to drive.

I stood at the harbor (driveway) and made a brief speech on how I was about to embark on a great adventure to faraway lands in search of treasures to bring back to the queen. Like Columbus, my neighbors stood around the ship and whispered, “what the heck is this idiot talking about, his wife just needs some grass seed.”

I set off on my adventure, the brisk sea air and spray pounding against my vessel (ok in my case I drove through the sprinkler with the windows down but stay with me here). After picking up the rest of my crew we started out on an unknown journey.

Sometime within the first few minutes of our journey we completely forgot not only what we were supposed to go get but we even forgot who it was that sent us on the journey. We wandered around engulfed in the discussion of rosters and free agents and weren’t really paying attention to where the ship was headed.

After a while we ended up at Best Buy where we discovered a treasure chest of values on flat screen televisions, Blu-Ray movies, and a cornucopia of computers. Being the leader of this crew, I shook hands with the natives that we found at Best Buy. After a quick evaluation I believed that we were much more intelligent than these natives and that we not only could conquer the Geek Squad tribe but could control them to do our bidding.

I unfurled a small Diamondbacks flag that I had in the back of the car and made a small speech claiming Best Buy as an official territory of Spain. I have to admit, my speech was pretty good. It had to be given the number of people who stood around staring at me.

We spent several hours exploring before returning home, our ship laden with treasures from our newly claimed territory. I was met at the dock by the queen who had a simple question, “did you return with the items I sent you to get?”

I threw open the door of the ships cargo bay to let her gaze at our bounty. I began explaining how we had discovered a new trade route and how I had discovered a brave new world filled with treasures and exotic natives dressed in odd ceremonial robes.

After listening for a few minutes the queen said, “You didn’t bring grass seed did you? I asked you to do one simple thing and you screwed that up. I can’t send you to do anything can I?” I don’t think she appreciated the importance of my discovery. Mark my words, 517 years from now people are going to celebrate my adventure and I’ll have a town in Ohio named after me. Postal workers and banks will take the day off in tribute to me.

Instead the queen shook her head, took the keys to the ship and as she drove off she said, “I’ll be back in five minutes with the grass seed. In the meantime why don’t you try and find the edge of the Earth and fall off while I’m gone.”

Ok, I admit it I am a complete technology geek. I am always looking for some excuse to trick out my life with the latest gadget. In most cases my quest for the ultimate device only impacts me and I can therefore justify being on the bleeding edge of technology. Sometimes my desire to add technology to my life affects others and that is usually when I get into trouble.

The person who seems to be impacted the most for my quest for technology nirvana is my poor wife Trina. I cannot tell you how many times she has come home to find out that I have technologize another part of her life that she was completely content with before my added gadgetry.

There was the time that she went to visit family only to come home and find out that I had somehow attached all of the electrical outlets in the house to my computer so that I could turn the lights on and off from my desk.

That sounds like a cool idea or at least it did when I started but as usual I took the idea just a tad too far and soon you could only control the outlets from the computer and even then the user interface was not done so she had to memorize strings of code to enter into the computer in order to dry her hair. It was shortly thereafter that I had to remove the technology and send us back into the stone age of managing electricity.

When our washer and dryer failed earlier this summer I saw it as a perfect time to add additional technology to our house. I could envision starting the washer or checking the status of the dryer via the Internet and have a new page on my personal web site that would show up-to-the-second how the laundry was doing.

Trina just cringed when I showed her my purchasing criteria for a new washer and dryer. All she wanted was something that was easy to use that would get our clothes clean and tell her when they were ready to be hung up.

I couldn’t understand how she could settle for something so archaic. I mean I may as well get her two rocks that she can smack the dirt out down at the stream. We were obviously far apart on what we thought we needed to clean our clothes.

As we went shopping I had my list and at each store I would begin questioning the salesman as to whether the dryer had wireless capability or if I could do packet analysis on the data that the washer was using to process our clothes.

Strangely there is not a washer or dryer on the market that has built-in Ethernet. Further the salesmen I spoke with eluded that I was the only person ever to ask whether their laundry could be network aware.

We settled upon the Maytag brand. Trina liked the features and I figured any washer and dryer I could drive a monster truck over the top of should last. I was disappointed when they told me they would not be delivering the washer and dryer in a monster truck but I got over it when they showed me the refrigerator with the flat panel display and internet connectivity. No, Trina would not let me get it.

The washer and dryer were delivered and set up and Trina has been happy with them. I have been happy because she hasn’t let me touch the appliances meaning I have somehow been excused from laundry duty.

This weekend though Trina had to be away and left me in charge of the laundry; a situation she would later regret. Trina had left instructions that I was just to move the laundry that had finished their wash cycle to the dryer and turn it on.

I could see too problems with her instructions. First I wasn’t exactly sure which one was the washer and which one was the dryer. Second, there are more buttons and dials on these appliances than on the lunar lander of an Apollo moon mission.

I figured I had a 50/50 chance of picking the right one. If I opened the door and there were clothes that were wet that was probably the washer. It only took me two tries to figure out which one was the washer.

I removed the wet clothes from the washer and put them into the dryer. I also took this opportunity to mark each device with post-it notes so that I would not have to make an appliance guess again.

I pressed the on button on the dryer and it came to life. It began flashing lights and making all kinds of electronic noises. I wasn’t quite sure whether I had started the dryer or somehow put the device in slot machine mode.

Although there was no handle on the side of the appliance there were flashing lights. I pushed what I think was the “bet all coins” mode and pressed the biggest button I could find on the faceplate.

Like any good slot machine it began spinning. I stood there watching it when one of the kids wandered through and asked what I was doing. I explained that I had just put the quarters I found in the washer into the dryer and was now waiting to see if I won anything.

The kids started laughing and left. They might not be laughing if I end up hitting a jackpot and cash starts flowing out of the dryer vent. After about 30 minutes of this game I was out of change and all I had was a bunch of half-dried clothing full of change.

The good news is that Trina came home and after I explained my dilemma she assured me that I would never have to do laundry again.

From an early age I was told I was not quite normal. That seems like kind of a harsh thing to tell a kid especially if you are that kid’s parents. The thing was, I thought that was a good thing so I grew up thinking that not being normal was actually a good trait to have. I can’t really explain why but I just seem to have the ability of piecing things together slightly different than other people. In some ways this has been a great thing. I have a knack of looking at something from a different perspective and providing an observation that might otherwise go unnoticed. On the other hand this can sometimes get me in trouble or at least into an area that is uncharted and pretty weird. The invention of the computer and more specifically the Internet hasn’t helped at all; in fact it has made matters worse. Now I have a lot more information at my disposal I tend to put it together in rather unique ways. Take e-mail for example. Like many of you I get up each day and check my email and find out that more than half of my in-box has been filled with SPAM. Usually at this moment I take a severe detour to begin trying to understand why unwanted email was named after a canned meat product but I’ll spare you from that and try to get right to the point. Unlike most people, I don’t just immediately start deleting these unwanted messages. Instead I read each one. I blame my mother for this. She always said that if someone is willing to take the time to send you a letter you should at least have the common courtesy of reading it and acknowledging them. So for some unknown reason I started replying to SPAM and what I found is that those people really don’t want you to reply because they never respond back or if they do it is usually to ask me to quit emailing them. That seems a little messed up don’t you think? Today I got an email and I thought maybe I would share it with you.

NOTE: PLEASE DIRECT ALL RESPONSE TO EMAIL
ACCOUNT CONTAINED IN THIS LETTER FOR
CONFIDENTIAL PURPOSE.
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: Buma Sese Seko
TEL : +234-1-7756039
E-MAIL: buma_seseseko@spinfinder.com
Attention Please,
BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP SOLICITED
May I take the privilege to introduce myself; my name is Mr. Buma Sese Seko a brother of the late President of the Federal Republic of Zaire, President Mobutu Sese Seko (now Republic of Congo, under the leadership of the Son of Mr. Laurent Kabila). I am currently under political asylum in Nigeria. I presume you are aware there is a financial dispute between my family (the Mobutu’s) and the present Civilian Government. Based on what they believe as bad and corrupt Government on my late brother part, May his soul rest in peace.
Following the above mentioned reasons, I am soliciting for your humble and confidential assistance to take custody of Fifteen Million, United States Dollars only (US$15M) also to front for me in the area of business investments you desire profitably well.
Presently, this Sum of US$15 Million Dollars has secretly been deposited into a confidential Security/Courier Company in Europe, where it can be released to you by the Security Company based on my recommendation on that note; you will be presented as my partner who will be fronting for me and my family in any subsequent ventures. For you might have heard how a lot of my brother’s bank Account has been frozen.
To show my preparedness and appreciation to conduct this business with you, I shall give you 25% of the total money and 5% for miscellaneous expense and 10% on any profit realizable in the process of investment of this fund in your country.
Please, I need your entire support and co-operation for the success of the business venture, your utmost confidentially, sincerity and secrecy is highly required, due to my family’s present predicament.
Details of how I intend to carry out this project will be discussed as soon as I get a response of your willingness and interest. I sincerely will appreciate your urgent acknowledgment as soon as possible by contacting me on my Telephone number:+234 1-7756039 or E-mail address. Thank you.
Yours truly,
Mr. Bema Sese Seko
NOTE: YOUR PHONE NUMBER IS VERY IMPORTANT, AS BUSINESS OF THIS MAGNITUDE AND NATURE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DONE VIA E-MAIL
Well this was interesting. Here was a guy who seemed nice enough. I definitely was going to have to reply to him. So I sat down and penned my response that went something like this.
Dear Buma,
First let me say that it was indeed a pleasure on your part to introduce yourself. As I am sure you are well aware, we Americans are extremely wealthy and influential and do not usually respond to anyone via e-mail unless they are part of the royal Congo family. I had immediately planned to delete your e-mail message until I noticed that you were indeed related to the late president of Zaire. I think I met your brother Mobutu at a 7-11 about a year ago; he was buying Ding Dongs and a Big Gulp. I am sorry to hear about him being late. I was late a few times but then I bought a new watch. So I understand you are in an asylum in Nigeria. I had an uncle once that went a little nuts after a cow kicked him in the head. We sent him to an asylum but my mom always said Uncle Billy was “planting tulips in the rose garden”. I had no idea what that meant. Maybe we should have sent mom to stay with Uncle Billy.
Wow Buma, it sounds like you really have some problems. I wasn’t aware of your issue with the Civilian Government. Don’t you have to wonder why they call it civilian? It really sounds more like an Uncivilian Government. I appreciate you trying to solicit my humble assistance but to be honest that probably isn’t going to happen. I am anything but humble and if you start sending me $15 million I will guarantee it ain’t going to be much better. I will be honest with you Buma, I am not real good at custodial work. I rarely sweep the floors and I don’t do windows. Personally, I am looking for a little more commitment. Oh sorry Buma, I hope you don’t take offense when I used the word “committed”. I know how sensitive it is for people who live in an asylum. Anyway, rather than take custody of your money, I would be willing to adopt it. I can give it a nice home and will make sure it is well taken care of. Of course I would give you visitation rights but like Uncle Billy, those visits would have to be supervised. After all, I can’t have you going nuts over my money. When the money got old enough to understand, I would be happy to explain to it where it came from. Who knows, maybe the money will even try to get a hold of you to ask why you gave it up for adoption.
I did have a few questions about how this whole transaction would go. I read where you suggested I would be your partner. I am not real comfortable with that title. Could you by chance refer to me as “significant other” or “money-laundering love god” instead? I think it is important that we establish the appropriate titles early on so the children do not get confused. I have to admit, I am all tingly thinking about all this confidential and secret stuff. It all sounds so under the table. I am really sorry to hear about your brother’s assets being frozen. We had something similar happen in our family. Aunt Maggie happened to pass away when she got trapped in our walk-in freezer. Her assets were frozen solid as was the rest of her body. There she stood with a slab of bacon and this surprised look on her face. We had a bugger of a time finding a coffin where her arm and the bacon would fit inside. Buford down at the mortuary tried to help but he broke off Aunt Maggie’s arm so at the funeral we just stuck her arm in one of the flowers and hoped no one would notice. You might try that with Mobutu.
I appreciate your willingness to throw numbers around about finders fees and stuff like that. I have to admit, I don’t usually get involved with things like that. I just leave that up to my attorneys and business managers. Since you are not from around here, let me make a few suggestions. First, there are a lot of shady characters out there and so you need to be careful about making offers such as this. That and $15 million is a lot of money to people from your country. I would suggest in your situation that perhaps you should transfer the money into something a little more concrete that would not draw as much attention to yourself. Here is my idea. Go down and withdraw all the money and then go to the nearest Virgin Records store. Tell the kid behind the register that you would like to buy some Box Car Willie CDs. I figure that if you buy in bulk, you can probably get a pretty good deal of say $15 per CD. Given your cash, you should be able to buy 1,000,000 CDs. This will have two effects. First, it will make Box Car Willie bigger than Elvis and let’s be honest aren’t we all tired of all the Graceland hype anyway? Second, you are no longer laundering money but rather are a record producer. Everyone knows they are sleazy guys anyway so you and your corrupt family will fit right in. You can then send me the 1,000,000 CDs and I will try to return them to Virgin Records here. I will then invest the money in bubble gum and will send you a couple of packages per day keeping 25 percent of course since it was my idea. What do you think? I think we stand more of a chance of getting away with this that if we used your idea. Not to mention, if we get caught it is easier to get rid of the evidence this way.
As you can see, I am very willing and interested in helping you out of your monetary bind. I know how tough it is for people in the asylum to get to a phone If you do happen to elude Nurse Ratchet and get to a phone, you can reach me at (202) 647-4000. Be sure to dial 10-10-220. I think this call is going to take a while so you may as well get a break on the cost. You know you can talk a whole hour for just a buck? I can’t wait to hear from you Buma. This should be a lot of fun!

I’m really looking forward to starting a personal relationship with Buma. Who knows maybe I can actually make a difference in his life.

Growing up with the last name of “Summers”, this was always my favorite day of the year. I mean how many people can say that they have a day that commemorates them for the next 3 months? Not only that but even Mother Nature pays homage to you by making your special day the longest day of the year. According to scientists and the Farmer’s Almanac this is the day where the Northern Hemisphere is tilted more towards the sun than at any other time of the year hence there are more hours of daylight on this date than any other. The days from the first day of winter until today have gradually gotten longer while the days from today until the first day of winter will slowly get shorter. Given this information it is important to take full advantage of this day and live it up.

I decided that I would get up at the crack of dawn and would fill my day with activity until the last rays of daylight faded so that I took full advantage of this date. On paper this seemed like a great idea. It wasn’t until the alarm went off this morning that I realized how stupid this really was. I was awake at the crack of dawn. I quickly came to the conclusion that they call it the “crack of dawn” because you have to be on crack before it dawns on you that you are up in what seems like the middle of the freaking night. Still, a promise is a promise and I got myself out of bed. I attempted to wake the other family members so we could all enjoy this day of activity. They seemed less than enthusiastic and I was greeted by moans, groans, and a few well placed shoes thrown at me before I decided this was a quest I would be embarking upon by myself. I briefly thought this would be the perfect time for me to call my new talent agent just to see what was up. Then I decided that probably wouldn’t be such a great idea. Instead I went to the computer and began working. So far my special day felt a lot like every other day except a lot earlier. When Trina got up she informed me that there was to be a sleep over at our house for Whitney and some of her friends. This meant that we would be doing some “spring cleaning” to get the house in order. I tried to explain that it was impossible to do “spring cleaning” on the “first day of summer” but my arguments fell on deaf ears. So let me get this straight; my special day had succumbed to being filled with domestic labor until such time as we get the house cleaned so that it could be invaded by ten 13 year-old girls? Wow, the scientists were right this would be the longest day of the year.
The day was grueling. It was spent cleaning rooms, washing bathroom fixtures, and preparing food for other people to eat. In the end the door bell began to ring as each young lady appeared dressed in pajamas and carrying what looked like luggage filled with make-up. This was like a guy’s worst nightmare. I was hoping that at least the Arizona Diamondbacks would be in town to give me a safe refuge away from the constant chattering of young girls. Instead they had left town leaving me to have to face this alone. Well at least there was an away game so I could sneak upstairs and hide in the master bedroom and watch the game. I opened the bedroom door to find that someone else had already had this idea. There Dakota sat on my bed with the television remote control. He had tuned into the Disney Channel and was locked in to watch Camp Rock. So not only was my house being overrun by teenage girls but my son had control of the remote and was now in the midst of a Camp Rock celebration marking the debut of yet another Disney musical. The only consolation I have is the fact that every day between now and mid December gets a little shorter. It’s a good thing, I am not sure I could survive another day like today.

As I arrived home from work I was greeted by a flashing light. That’s not to say that an LED was sitting at the door, it’s cord wagging waiting for me to arrive to play with it. It just means that as I walked through the living room I happened to glance over at the telephone answering machine and noticed the flashing light that indicates that there is a message waiting. The answering machine is an interesting device. I have now successfully lived through an era that began before this device was invented. I distinctly remember getting my first answering machine after we were married. I remembered the sense of freedom that I felt knowing that I no longer had to worry about being home or missing a call. Now if I was not at home someone would be able to leave me a message and I could return their call after I returned. It was an amazing feeling, quite liberating to say the least. I look at that now and think how pathetic my life once was that I would get excited about something as simple as a telephone answering machine. Now we take that kind of technology for granted. We have voice mail or a similar capability built into nearly all of our personal communications devices. Still, there is just something alluring about seeing a flashing “messaging waiting” button.

Part of that could be from the fact that the “message waiting” button is like an adventure beckoning us. You never quite know what you are going to hear when you press that button. That statement is never truer than it is at our house. Answering machine messages run the gambit from telemarketers trying to get us to purchase their latest wares to someone singing their message to us; to the president of a Major League baseball franchise wanting to speak to us. That is the great thing about the flashing “message waiting” button. It is the first step in a journey to communication and you never know what awaits you until you press the button. I was beginning to feel a sense of exhilaration as my finger inched closer to the button.
This was definitely not a message I was expecting. The voice on the other end introduced herself and began leaving detailed information. The nice young lady began by telling me how excited she was that I had shown an interest in modeling and the theater and then began telling me about upcoming casting calls that I might be interested in. Wait, what was that? I rewound the message and played it again. Obviously I didn’t hear something quite right. The message began again with the young lady introducing herself and thanking me for taking the next step in my modeling career.
I have done a lot of things in my life. I raced mountain bikes flying down a mountain at 70 miles an hour. I went scuba diving with hammerhead sharks off the coast of Mexico without a cage. I played semi-pro baseball in an independent league while in college. I’ve written software that tracked the movement of nuclear waste. I’ve designed pins and held events at Walt Disney World. At no time in my life did I ever consider a career in modeling. That is just not something that ever even occurred to me to attempt. I am not vain enough to think that I have the physique nor the look to be a male model. I’ve never envisioned walking down a cat walk nor have I ever picked up a magazine and thought to myself, “hey I could be that guy in the Dockers and make those pants look good.” Nope, I have been content just being an average guy in an average house with an above average wife (see, I am learning).
Now here I was sitting there listening to a woman give me details on who I needed to call and what I could expect from modeling and how they were a talent agency who would love to work with me to make sure that I got the proper exposure. Never in a million years could I have guessed that the blinking light on my answering machine would be a modeling agency wanting to talk to me about a potential career change. I’m definitely going to save this message. Next time I get on the Wii Fit and it tells me I am an overweight senior citizen I am going to hit the play button on my answering machine and let that silly video game know who it’s dealing with, Jeff Summers – Male Model.

For as long as I can remember I have only slept 3-4 hours a night max. A lot of times it is even less than that. For whatever reason I just cannot sleep any longer than that. This means that I am up between 20 and 21 hours a day. So while everyone in the house sleeps, I am up doing something. It drives Trina crazy since she never knows what she is going to wake up to. One night I couldn’t find some spice in the cupboard so when Trina got up I had completely rearranged the spice cupboard. She is still trying to find stuff from that episode. In most cases my nights are filled with fairly normal activities such as programming, writing, or research. That of course leads it its own set of strange things like the night that I decided to rewire the house for networking. There is nothing quite like seeing the look on your wife’s face when she comes down to find holes in her walls and wire strewn across what was a clean house when she went to bed 8 hours ago. I thought I should have gotten credit for drilling holes in the walls without waking everyone up but obviously that didn’t count for as many points as I thought it should. Lately I have been trying to limit my destruction unless explicitly given permission before Trina goes to bed. I had to put that last part in since Trina says it doesn’t count if I go into the bedroom at 4 AM and ask her questions or get her approval since she will never remember that by morning.

Things have been getting a little better since we got DirecTV. There is usually some channel that is still broadcasting in the middle of the night. I’m still not happy that the DIY network goes to infomercials after 1:00 AM. This was especially bad about a week ago when I was bored and flipping through channels. I settled on the DIY channel hoping that they had updated their programming to be 24/7; but that was not the case. Instead I ended up watching someone named Chalene Johnson. She was demonstrating something called Turbo Jam which looked like a cross between dancing and martial arts. During the next 30 minutes she explained this program that would magically melt the pounds away leaving you with the hardened body of a sculpted God. Since the first of the year I had come to realize that my once athletic body looked more like that of an athletic supporter than an athlete. I had decided that I really needed to get back in shape. It has been a couple of years since my last shoulder surgery and in that time I had become less active and heavier. I don’t necessarily feel fat but I don’t feel good either. Hey, maybe this Turbo Jam thing is what I need. Yeah that is just what I thought. It’s amazing how good an idea sounds when it is 3:25 AM and no one else is around to stop you from doing something stupid. Armed with a web address and the motivation from watching 30 minutes of sales presentation I went to the computer and placed an order.
The television said it would be 3 low payments of $19.95 and in just a few short weeks I would look like Michaelangelo’s David. Interestingly enough, the web site differed somewhat from what I was led to believe on the television. First of all the 3 low payments somehow morphed into one large payment which was explained to me to be much easier for me. Oh yeah I can see that; I only have to lament one charge to my credit card rather than three; that’s a good idea. The next discrepancy was around the package itself. On the screen it showed what looked like the old World Book Encyclopedia 26 book edition of all knowledge of the world. As I went through the order pages I was continually asked if I wanted to add this piece or that piece to help me reach my weight reduction and body building goals. Until 30 minutes ago I didn’t even know I had a weight reduction and body building goal now I have an entire library of DVDs, a pair of gloves without fingers but with weighted palms, two pieces of elastic rubber, a pair of plastic handles, and a really cool measuring tape. I also got a lecture on disaster recovery as I paid an additional $6.95 for a lifetime of peace of mind knowing I could get a damaged DVD replaced. I was worried that when I retired and actually had time to go through these DVDs that I would find one of the discs defective and could not get it replaced. Now I don’t have to worry. That should be good for an extra hour of two of sleep at least. In the end what I thought would be 3 payments of $19.95 was instead a single payment of $134.32. And I didn’t even buy the personal coach services, the diet and nutrition plan, or online community membership. I also declined signing up for the vitamin and supplement of the month club but I am reminded of that with follow-up emails about every 3-4 days. So now I am in the waiting mode as I watch the door for signs of a buff UPS man who is going to deliver my new body via Free Express Delivery that only cost me $12.95. I’ve tried to explain this to Trina who is looking very skeptical at this whole thing. Trust me, at 3:45 AM this was a great idea. So I’ve made a commitment and according to Trina I am going to use these DVDs even if it kills me. I’m not sure what I can expect. This may be legit and I’ll end up changing careers and becoming a male model. On the other hand I may have just bought the most expensive set of DVD coasters I have ever purchased. This should be fun or at the very least funny. I just need to make sure that all video cameras are accounted for. I don’t think the world needs a YouTube link to a 4-5 minute video of me doing Turbo Jam. No good could come from that.