The responses to the hanger bomb vary depending on who it is that dared vocalize that which shall not be named. If it was one of the kids then we immediately go into the “I am so tired of having to chase everyone’s laundry around the house” volume of the mom encyclopedia of lectures. Once we go down that path there is no turning back and we are in for a lecture of Titanic proportions. And by Titanic I mean three hours of bad story line ending with someone going down with the ship and an old lady throwing something into the sea or in this case into the washing machine.

In the case of today it was me who didn’t catch myself before I realized I was using my outside voice instead of just thinking the words (which would have been a much smarter thing for me to do). As soon as I said it I realized my mistake. I looked at my kids who were now staring at me like I just released the hounds of Hell loose in the house. They scattered faster than a cockroach colony during a disco party. I was left alone and helpless to face the Wrath of Trina which is like a billion times worse than Khan’s wrath that Commander Kirk had to endure in Star Trek II.

I was told in no uncertain terms that I was the reason for the lack of hangers in our house as if I had somehow become a laundry ninja who under the cover of darkness slipped into everyone’s closet and made off with the colorful plastic leaving in my wake a pile of clothing on the floor that would require three Sherpa and a St. Bernard to find the bottom. Somewhere in the middle of her diatribe I attempted to use a Jedi mind trick on her but clearly these were the hangers I was looking for and I could not move along. It should be noted here that Trina is very strong with the force, as I do believe she made a frying pan fly through the air in my immediate direction.

Ok, it looked as though I was definitely going to take one for the team here as it had now become my responsibility to find the missing hangers. I had no idea who would take hangers nor where they may hide their hanger bounty once the caper was complete. So I decided to do what I always do and find the easy way out.

I went to our closet and surveyed the rods of clothes. At first I thought about just taking some of Trina’s clothes off hangers and hand her the empty hangers but then I remembered the close call with the frying pan and decided that her side of the closet was off limits.

Instead I decided that maybe now would be a good time to see which of my clothes still fit and whatever didn’t fit I would take off the hanger thereby solving the case of the missing laundry accessories.

For the next hour or so I pulled each shirt out, tried it on then threw the shirt into one of two piles. The first pile was clothes that were too big. The second pile was clothes that were big but still I’m still wearing them. I had planned on a third pile that were those clothes that fit well but that was only four shirts which according to the laundry by-laws does not constitute a pile.

In the end I presented Trina with 25 hangers solving the great hanger disappearance of 2012. I was feeling pretty good other than the fact that pretty much every Diamondbacks shirt I own is now too big for me to wear. Still I was proud of myself for losing the weight and then having mindset to let go of my old life and lifestyle.

I thought Trina would be extremely happy with how this turned out but instead she gave me the stink-eye along with another lecture about picking up my laundry. Does anyone know where I might be able to hire a Sherpa to help me climb Mt. Laundry?

The photographs that were taken at our last family vacation to Disneyland last fall made it blatantly obvious where I needed to lose a few pounds. My midsection had gotten a little rounder than I had remembered in the past making most of my pants and shorts tighter than they were.

My legs had likewise gotten bigger especially around the thighs. If I could lose the gut and make my legs more defined this would definitely be a success. Beyond those two areas I really didn’t think I needed to lose weight anywhere else.

During the first couple of weeks I began to notice that my waistline was indeed getting smaller. Likewise my jeans seemed to have a more relaxed fit than they did before starting this journey so obviously my thighs were likewise getting smaller. I have to admit, I was feeling pretty good and things were going according to plan.

As the weight has come off I have noticed that it wasn’t just those two areas where I seemed to be losing inches. Trina immediately noticed my neck had more definition. I had begun to develop a second chin before the diet and that was now gone. I have to admit I was a little sad by that. Having a second chin was kind of like driving around with a spare tire. If I ever got a chin flat I at least had another one but that’s now gone. Still I looked and felt better so that was the important thing.

In the past couple of weeks though I have seen weight loss in areas where I never would have anticipated or expected. My watch that I received for my birthday last year was now too big. It would seem I have lost about a watchband link’s worth of weight in the past two months. Who loses weight in their wrist? Well apparently I do.

The other area and this is a lot more frustrating is that my head is shrinking. No seriously it is. A long time ago I wore a size 7 1/8 hat but lately I was buying a size 7 1/4. My theory was that a fitted wool hat has a tendency to shrink and depending on how long my hair is at the time the hats get a little snug.

Now though I have probably tried on 10 or 12 hats I have around the house and they are freaking huge! Are you kidding me? My favorite Diamondbacks hat now falls down over my ears! This is totally messed up. I don’t mind having to go out and get a new shirt or a smaller pair of jeans but Trina is absolutely going to kill me if I have to buy new baseball hats. This is as bad as when the Diamondbacks changed from Purple and Teal to Sedona Red.

I was definitely not prepared for this. These diet guys need to include some kind of warning label. Caution: Going on this diet may cause your head and wrist to shrink. Yeah that should work.

Today was one of those days where I didn’t even recognize who I was any more. It’s not so much the weight loss although I am getting more and more comments about how thin I am getting especially in my face and neck. No I am talking about something much more sinister and thought provoking.

For the first time I think I have realized that this weight loss journey is changing who I am as a person. Before when you would ask people to describe me you would get things like: technology geek, baseball nut, that crazy guy that lives down the street that talks to his car. You know, the normal stuff. Now though as I looked in the mirror I didn’t see any of those adjectives. Instead I was seeing someone that I had never met before.

I began to look at my life from an outside perspective and wondered whether others who are on a weight loss plan feel the same way. Let’s take a few simplistic examples to describe my theory. Before the diet my prized possessions were probably my laptop and my team autographed Diamondbacks baseball from the 1998 Inaugural Season. Now if someone asked, those items likely wouldn’t even make it in the top five.

Instead I would likely go on and on about our salad spinner and how it makes washing and cleaning lettuce easier and more efficient. Oh and who could possibly forget the digital kitchen scale that I interact with every day measuring out proteins like a drug dealer measures cocaine.

That’s not normal. No mainstream guy has a man-crush on a lettuce spinner or a digital kitchen scale. The most frightening part is that it doesn’t end there. I could go on and on about my FitBit pedometer or my Withings Wi-Fi Scale. Let’s see a show of hands; who here worships a bathroom scale? Yeah that’s what I thought.

Because of this diet I now know what the nutritional labels actually mean beyond just the calorie number. I have engrained in my head how much salt intake is appropriate for an average man and I have honed to a science the proper ratio of carbohydrates, fat, and protein.

Oh sure, this is useful information and will likely save my life by making me healthier but seriously if I start going out in public telling people how much I love the way lettuce spins around a bowl or how my bathroom scale broadcasts my weight to the Internet and that’s a good thing I am likely going to have to see some sort of medical specialist.

So while I am feeling great about the weight I lost and being able to fit into clothes that would have seemed impossible two months ago I have to wonder whether I am actually losing part of my mind along with the excess fat. Heaven help me if I start to blabber on about hypoglycemic indices that will place the body in “fat burning” mode or whether it is better to measure food portions by weight or volume.

The problem of course is that never having been on a diet nor knowing what any of this food tasted like I had no way to know whether the things I was choosing were good or not so good. During the first two weeks of being on this diet it has been a giant science experiment to see what I would or would not eat.

Now I am two weeks into the four-week initial order and I have to pay for some of my early mistakes in program food selection. My first realization is that I bought WAY too many eggs. My initial assumption that eggs are eggs regardless of whether they come in egg form or power form was severely mistaken. These powdered eggs have the consistency of scrambled rubber bands with a clinical after taste.

Within a week I went from begin able to tolerate the taste to an exercise in managing my gag reflex so I don’t spew rubber eggs across the kitchen. Granted that’s not a visual I wanted to paint and I am further worried that throwing up rubber eggs may be dangerous as I am not completely sure they would not act like Wham-o Super Balls and if my childhood taught me anything its that you can lose an eye if your not careful releasing too much kinetic energy.

I’m in the process of returning the unused portion of my egg order (I was tempted to return the used portion as well but thought that might not be a great idea). This has left me short two weeks of breakfasts that I need to somehow replace.

I am now getting to the point of running out of things that have proven more popular than I first expected. I am completely out of the energy bars. The chocolate and chocolate mint crunch bars are actually very good but now I am out of those so I will have to do without them the next couple of weeks until I reorder.

I have also seen the chicken noodle soup, pancakes, and brownies boxes become empty leaving me short those as well. With two weeks still remaining on this first month’s order I wondered what I would end up eating?

A quick survey shows I have three kinds of pudding left including chocolate, vanilla, and banana. I have half a box left of Dutch chocolate shake and orange crème shakes so the combination of the two will last another week.

I have another box of chicken noodle soup and a few portions of chicken and rice so it would appear that I am set for the remainder of the month for lunches. I have a limited number of pretzel sticks and pizza cheese snacks that I can have one each of those every other day. Finally I have a partial box of chocolate chip cookies and brownies that I can eat.

As I gaze down into the box I have to wonder whether it was me or put this order together or a five year old boy? Seriously I am out of breakfast but I have an abundance of cookies, pudding, and chocolate shakes? Clearly I still need to work on making proper food choices.

The Thanksgiving newspaper was plopped onto the table; it’s contents spilling in every direction. Trina brought out “the notebook” and put on her game face. The newspaper was divided and it’s contents were examined at every inch.

The advertisements were divided not by store but by opening time. Each ad was then carefully examined and notes were taken. After what seemed like several hours of close scrutiny and several pens and sheets of paper, the preliminary work was complete.

The notebook was less a shopping list and more a battle plan. It contained the logistics and coordinates to successfully navigate what is commonly referred to as “Black Friday”.

The day after Thanksgiving when stores open early and hope to lure consumers in with terms such as “door buster” and “early bird”. For many this is shopping nirvana. A day when not only are you allowed to shop but expected to buy massive amounts of products in the name of holiday gifts.

It is a day I approach with equal amounts of anticipation and dread. During our wedding vows when they mentioned the part about richer and poorer and good times and bad times, I never would have imagined that would mean the day after Thanksgiving but in reality that’s exactly what they meant.

After we were married I promised myself I would go shopping with Trina on these days after Thanksgiving. Part of it was a sense of fear not wanting my wife to go out alone in the early morning hours. Part of it was self-preservation for not wanting my checkbook to go out alone in the early morning hours.

All of this sounds great when you are sitting around a kitchen table at five in the afternoon but it is an entirely different story when the alarm goes off at three in the morning and you have to get up to go out in the cold standing there with thousands of crazed women waiting for the doors to open so you can rush some kid making minimum wage for the last toy in town.

So as I get ready to head out the door I am again wondering what exactly was I thinking when I volunteered for this? While the rest of the civilized world is lying in bed dreaming of leftover turkey and college football I will be standing outside a Target praying that when I finally get through the door I won’t be run over by a lunatic with a shopping cart looking for a Barbie.