At this time, as a public service, we are glad to post the following superseding additional supplementary bulletin from the Office of Fluctuation Control and Ceiling Repairs, Bureau of Edible Condiments, Soluble, Insoluble, and Indigestible Fats and Glutinous Derivatives, Washington, D.C.:

Correction of the Correction of the Correction of Directive 943456201, issued earlier, February 2, 2009. First correction: that number is now 943456202. The second correction: please note that said Directive reading “chopped hogmeat” formerly reading “ground hogmeat” formerly reading “groundhog meat” should now read “sausage.”

At this time, as a public service, we are glad to post the following additional supplementary bulletin from the Office of Fluctuation Control and Ceiling Repairs, Bureau of Edible Condiments, Soluble, Insoluble, and Indigestible Fats and Glutinous Derivatives, Washington, D.C.:

Correction of the Correction of Directive 943456201, issued yesterday afternoon, February 1, 2009, which noted said Directive should read “ground hogmeat” instead of “groundhog meat.” Note that “ground hogmeat” should now read “chopped hogmeat.”

At this time, as a public service, we are glad to post the following supplementary bulletin from the Office of Fluctuation Control and Ceiling Repairs, Bureau of Edible Condiments, Soluble, Insoluble, and Indigestible Fats and Glutinous Derivatives, Washington, D.C.:

Correction of Directive 943456201, issued earlier today, February 1, 2009, concerning the fixed price of groundhog meat. In the Directive above-named, the price-fixed low-water-level quotation on groundhog meat should read “ground hogmeat.”

At this time, as a public service, we are glad to post the following bulletin from the Office of Fluctuation Control and Ceiling Repairs, Bureau of Edible Condiments, Soluble, Insoluble, and Indigestible Fats and Glutinous Derivatives, Washington, D.C.:

Directive 943456201: As of February 1, 2009, the price of groundhog meat will be fixed at a level higher than the price of groundhog meat on October 15, 2008, with the exception of the low-level water route outline in the Bureau’s directions of 20066, of finding the Kansas City stockyards. Note: slightly higher west of the Rockies.

Throughout my married life I am constantly reminded that I am probably clinically insane and that my wife Trina should be considered for some sort of sainthood. This has always bothered me. Not that I don’t think my wife should be canonized but I think I get overlooked in her candidacy. After all, if she didn’t have to deal with me on a daily basis she would never even be considered as a saint. Usually I just smile and nod like a bobble head doll. Every once in a while though I have to step forward and show that I am not the only crazy one in our relationship. Take today for example, I received an email from Trina with the following.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

I am both saddened by this news and at the same time very proud of my wife. I think she has definitely the first step towards the dark side. Soon we shall rule the universe with our own brand of humor and craziness. By the way to Mrs. Dough, I am very sorry about your loss; that really bites.

Today is Columbus Day. Well technically yesterday was Columbus Day and today is Columbus Day Observed. It always drives me crazy when the government decides it can randomly change the date of a holiday in order to conform to a workday. I think that frustrates me because the only reason that they move the holiday is so that they get a day off from work. That is like putting my kids in charge of monitoring the cookie level in the cookie jar. No matter how good their intentions I can guarantee that the cookies will be distributed in such a way that they will get the most while the rest of us will get a subset of the total available cookies. The fact that I had to get up this morning and go to work while the postal service, retail banking, and government workers were able to sleep in has not endeared me to Columbus Day Observed. But that’s not the only issue I have with Columbus Day.

I just don’t get how we could make this a holiday. I mean what exactly was Christopher Columbus’ major achievement? He and his buddies were looking to make a road trip because Spain in 1492 just wasn’t that much fun. They heard there were so great parties and food in China and India so they got themselves a sugar momma that would finance a road trip. They promised Isabella that they would make it a short trip and that they would bring her back something nice; typical guy thing. Then the boys loaded up the boats and took off. Like most guys they looked at the map and quickly decided that there had to be a short cut that the map guy was saving for himself. So they threw out the maps and turned in the exact opposite direction of where they should have been going. I’m sure it wasn’t too long until they realized that they had no clue where they were going. In typical guy fashion, instead of stopping and asking for directions they just kept going. And when they finally landed what did Columbus do? He told everyone that this is where he meant to go. Columbus went on to suggest that he “discovered” this new place. Problem with that of course was there were already people there; just a slight detail he overlooked.
So basically what we have is a holiday that celebrates a man’s tendency to get lost, not ask for directions, then claim victory when things didn’t go his way. They should just change the name of this to “Married Guy’s Day”. I go through this every day. The difference between me and Columbus; I know the earth is flat but that’s a whole other story.