Jeff Blogs

According to the UPS web site, my diet food is to arrive today. If that happens then tomorrow will be the official beginning of my weight loss journey. I am approaching this with equal parts excitement and fear. What if the program doesn’t work for me? What if I absolutely hate the food and the regimen? What if my order gets mixed up with some kind of government funded science experiment and instead of losing weight I become a mutant who can shoot laser beams out his eyes and fly? Ok, that last one would be pretty cool except for the fact that I would need to get a cape and wear a suit of spandex, which would not look cool unless I lost some weight.

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While I am waiting for my food order. it’s time to focus my attention on my homework. I have the before picture out of the way so I don’t have to worry about that. The articles that my health coach Amy sent me were interesting but without a lot of context its hard to see how everything fits together. I suppose once the program starts I’ll understand it better so for now I just need to be content and trust this is going to work.

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Now that I know the exact date when the UPS guy is going to drop the F-bomb at my house (food bomb) I can start to get prepared for the official beginning of my new diet. I have exactly two more days to live.

Part of me feels a little like the death-row inmate whose cell is exactly outside the room where they are testing the electric chair. Even though you know that the lights flickering are just them testing to make sure they’ll kill you when they throw the switch you secretly hope that the governor will call and give you a last second reprieve.

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At some point during the day I received an email notifying me that my food shipment for my new diet plan is on its way to me and that I should have it in my hands by Thursday this week. This news was met with equal parts excitement and dread.

Looking around the pantry it was going to be a teary good-bye to several of my closest friends. Ah the wonderful mornings I spent with Lucky the leprechaun protecting the colorful marshmallows from those pesky kids who kept trying to steal them.

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Shortly after joining “the program”, I received my first email from my personal health coach Amy. She gave me all of her contact information so I could contact her whenever I needed. I’ve decided if I ever want to become a stalker I am going to go out and join diet web sites and get people’s information. Not only do you have access to people they are likely in better shape than you are.

At first I thought this was the standard welcome message then I realized that this email had a purpose. Attached at the bottom of the email were three documents. I had to go back and re-read the message to find out that I actually had homework!

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