I remember one time when she was a youngster that she stood up in church and yelled, “If there is a God, show me a sign!” then fell to the floor gyrating on the ground. The old people in the congregation freaked out. I think one of the little old ladies may have had a heart attack. It was pretty funny though. Oh wait, that might have been me that did that. It was still funny though.

Through the years there have been countless pranks pulled on various members of the family. Normally these pranks can be traced back to some idea I had which at the time seemed like a good idea.

Now the kids have all reached teenager years. At this point you would think the pranking would decrease but quite the contrary has occurred. There are even more practical jokes that are played each year but I am not always the one to blame. Today the torch has been officially passed.

My oldest daughter Ashley who is currently staying with us got out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. Still half asleep she sat down on the toilet. Little did she know that her brother Dakota had already been in the bathroom before she got up.

Dakota had placed poppers that he had left from last Independence Day under the toilet seat. When Ashley sat down the poppers exploded. Fortunately she was already in the bathroom otherwise there may be a bigger mess to clean up.

While that prank was a classic, Dakota did not stop there. He had gone downstairs and taped hundreds of streamers across his sister Tiffany’s door. When she came out she was like a fly stuck to a spider’s web.

There was no end to Dakota’s pranks today. He had found Trina’s Facebook password and gone out and changed his mother’s birthday from December 27th to April 1st. When Trina logged in she was greeted by a multitude of birthday wishes. I’m not sure which is funnier that Trina had all these birthday greetings or that all of her friends have no idea when her birthday actually is.

The problem with all of Dakota’s jokes is that he still has to live in this house. Already there are plans for payback. I am now hiring myself out as a creative consultant offering suggestions of how everyone can get even. This may end up being the longest day of the year before the girls get done with Dakota. I have never been so proud.

I find myself intently watching as Professor Harold Hill works his sales magic on the River City Iowa citizens getting everyone in the town to eagerly give him money for a chance for their son’s to be in the city band. The performances put in are wonderful and the star power was amazing. From Robert Preston to Buddy Hackett to Shirley Jones to the memorable youngster with the lisp played by Ron Howard; each of these characters was brought to life.

I always find myself saying, “I didn’t know that song came from that musical” even though I have now seen this film dozens of times. This movie made me actually want to travel to Gary Indiana and visit the Gary Conservatory and applaud the gold medal class of ’05. Today though it was the musical number “The Wells Fargo Wagon” that caught my eye and ear.

In the movie that song brings talks about the city’s excitement when they see the Wells Fargo wagon coming to town. Everyone is anticipating what magic that delivery service may bring. The citizens reminisce about the wonderful treasures they have gotten in the past and secretly hope the Wells Fargo driver is bringing something for them.

What was most striking for me was the fact that I was watching this movie as I somewhat impatiently waited for my own delivery. No, the bank was not sending a wagon to my neighborhood. My delivery was coming via UPS and I wasn’t wishing for a band instrument but rather a new food order.

It was time for my latest order to arrive for my Take Shape for Life program. For a guy on a diet there is nothing more exciting than when you get a new box of food. I will finally be able to change out the meal replacements and won’t be living on a steady dose of pudding and cookies. Before you get too shocked, they are diet cookies and puddings each with less than 110 calories and I only get five such meals each day along with my “Lean and Green” meal.

As the doorbell rang I leapt from the sofa (yes I am going to count that as exercise) and rushed to the door. There on the steps was Stan the UPS Man. Stan and I have become close friends. He comes to my house nearly every other day bringing me such wondrous things as packages from Amazon or a new Hot Wheels car.

Today’s box was fairly large. When I opened the door I was greeted by a smile and a “Wow, this is a lot of Hot Wheels!” from Stan. I explained that this wasn’t a toy this time but rather it was a month’s worth of food for my diet. He looked at me and looked at the box and said, “Wow that’s not much food for a month”. Thanks Stan; way to ruin my excitement.

So after spending a few minutes discussing my eating patterns to a guy wearing brown shorts and a sweat lined fedora I was given my box and Stan bounded down the stairs and off to his truck. Just so you know, anyone wearing brown knee-high socks and a sweaty fedora is going to be described as bounding when they move.

I reached for a box cutter and began gleefully singing “The Wells Fargo Wagon” as I unboxed the goodness that would hopefully continue my journey towards a healthier lifestyle. Who knows, maybe if I lose enough weight I might want to try wearing brown knee high shorts. Oh what am I saying, there’s no way I could pull off that look and I don’t even know how to bound.

I’ve become accustomed to having a protein and green vegetables for dinner and ending my day with a calorie controlled snack. I’m building a pattern of good choices and have remained committed to this eating plan to remain on track. I’m not officially supposed to weigh-in until tomorrow but I snuck on the scale this morning to see I had dropped another 2.5 pounds bringing me under 195 in a long time.

Today is also Groundhog Day. It’s an interesting holiday where the world turns to a small furry rodent who comes out of hibernation to look around for his shadow. If he does not see his shadow it is to signify an early spring. If he does see his shadow that means there will be six more weeks of winter.

As you might imagine, Groundhog Day is a rather minor holiday especially for those who live in the Sunbelt states such as Arizona where today’s weather is to be sunny and a comfortable 70 degrees. If the groundhog is suggesting that we have six more weeks of this I am completely onboard with that. Go groundhog!

In 1993 Columbia Pictures released a Harold Ramis film called Groundhog Day. For those of you who might not have seen it, the story is about a self-centered weatherman who is sent to cover Groundhog Day. After having to endure a miserable day covering the “weather-forecasting rat” the weatherman finds himself in an endless loop of reliving that day over and over.

Groundhog Day the movie is a favorite around our house and each year we celebrate the holiday by watching the movie and eating our traditional dinner consisting of ground hog. It is important to note the space between “ground” and “hog”. A lesson I have never forgotten after hearing the comedy routine of Bob & Ray.

A year never goes by that I don’t secretly wonder, what if that happened to me, what if I was stuck repeating the same day over and over and over? What would I learn? Well for one thing I would not want this to happen while I was on a diet that’s for sure.

I found myself carefully considering what exactly I would be eating today. What if I woke up in the morning and found myself repeating the day before? Would I really want to start my day off with a plate of powdered eggs that make me gag with every spoonful? Not on your life!

At one point this morning I seriously considered breaking my diet and running down to Denny for a Grand Slam breakfast followed by lobster and steak for lunch and ending the day at PF Changs for Chinese food ending with a big slice of the Great Wall of Chocolate dessert. Oh sure eating that every day would likely kill you but if I were reliving the same day over and over that wouldn’t be such a bad thing either.

Instead, I didn’t break from my routine. I had powdered pancakes, a chocolate shake, chicken noodle soup, an energy bar, shrimp with a green salad and broccoli and ended with a brownie. It wasn’t quite the same but my theory is that if I keep reliving that day over and over then by tomorrow I will have reached my target weight.

After a bit of soul searching and reflection I understand why there’s homework. I know that I need to learn how to make better choices and the only way to do that is to become more educated about what goes into living a healthy life. So reluctantly I picked up the Habits of Health book and began reading. To be honest, it was a lot more interesting than I had expected.

I had anticipated the text to be riddled with reminders of how my poor health choices had resulted in where I am today. I expected to be chastised much like the dentist does when he learns that your whole life does not revolve around flossing 24-hours a day. Instead I found the text to be fascinating describing the aspects of human nature and the changes in society have all empowered us to lose control of our health.

The book itself is 377 pages long and while I would not classify it as a page turner like those from Tom Clancy and John Grisham it has held my interest. My intention was to read the book from cover to cover but during my weekly discussion with my health coach Amy she was asking if I had read Chapter 14 or Chapter 1 or Chapter 2. I began to wonder if there might be some secret reading schedule with specific chapters spelled out for certain weeks.

Sure enough, Amy explained that there was an order that would help me in my journey to becoming healthier. Ok, obviously my logical side would have to relinquish the fact that this book was not a progressive story but more of a reference where I would bounce from subject to subject instead of a linear progression.

So I picked up the book and begin reading the chapters in the order Amy suggested. I have to admit, I was very confused. It seemed like the message was disjointed. Chapter 14 began discussing using movement in your life to becoming more active. Just when you started to buy into the concept the chapter ended. According to my reading schedule I was not to go to the next chapter but to instead jump back to Chapter 1. I was just not getting it.

During our last weekly call I expressed my confusion around the reading. On the other end of the conversation there was a distinct pause. I was reading the wrong book! No, are you serious? Yeah sure enough, instead of the Habits of Health I was supposed to be in the “workbook” Living a Longer Healthier Life.

So basically I am back at square one. I now have the right book to work from and in reading the first assignment it is sending me to the Habits of Health in different chapters. So like Allen Iverson I understand the importance of listening to the coach and maybe, just maybe I should practice a little more if I want to be successful in the game.

The first item of business was to order food that is vital to the success of my diet. I was presented a web site with pictures of exciting food that I could choose from. After careful consideration I selected what I would eat for the first month.

I’m not exactly sure what my expectation was but when the food arrived I was somewhat surprised. The food came in powder form and required preparation. It wasn’t just add some water. There was very specific preparation steps.

You had to properly measure each ingredient and then follow a specified sequence of steps that told when to stir, when to heat, the type of cooking vessel to use etcetera. I had no idea powdered food could be so technical.

This type of thing could be intimidating to some as the instructions seem rather precise. I mean really does it matter whether powdered chicken noodle soup is heated for 2.5 minutes followed by sitting for a minute then stirring and heating for a minute then letting stand 5 minutes before stirring again?

From the very beginning I decided to take this seriously and follow each instruction to the letter. Before long I started envisioning myself in some sort of evil laboratory filled with glass beakers, bubbling multi-colored liquids and of course safety glasses.

I have on more than one occasion considered buying a white lab coat and completing cooking each meal with an evil and maniacal laugh as I vocalize my intentions of taking over the world. No one warned me of this dangerous side effect to the diet.

As of late afternoon I still had not seen the package and I wondered if there was some overweight delivery driver that had absconded with my order and was at this moment enjoying a nutritional shake high in protein and facilitating weight loss while tasting good.

After going to watch my son’s soccer game I returned home to find a box sitting on our front steps. A glance at the return address showed it was indeed the food for my weight loss program. Looking over the box I was surprised how small it was. I guess I expected to see a semi pull up to my house to deliver a month’s worth of food. Instead it came in an 18-pound container that was smaller than a Little Tike’s kitchen set.

Trina and I still need to go out shopping for the fresh ingredients for my daily “Lean and Green” meal but otherwise it looks like I am ready to go. I guess this makes today my last no-holds-barred-eat-whatever-you-want-and-thumb-your-nose-to-the-world day. It’s the last time I’ll be unregulated.

I feel like the condemned man who is ready for his last meal. If you were going to go on an eating program where you only have limited choices for the next few months until you can get to your optimum weight, what would your last meal be before beginning the journey?

On the one hand I really have been trying to eat healthy the past couple of weeks to get my body prepared but this is the last meal and I sure didn’t want to waste it on a couple of celery sticks and a low-fat low-taste salad. No, if I’m going out, I’m going out big.

I loaded Trina in the car and went to Pei Wei where we had chicken lettuce wraps, Vietnamese spring rolls, lemongrass salad (my one healthy choice), and Mongolian Beef with brown rice (ok my other healthy choice was the rice). To top it off I had a fortune cookie. My fortune read, “You are about to begin a long and rewarding journey that will bring happiness – in bed”. Ok, I added the last two words, which got me smacked by Trina.

The last item on my pre-diet homework was to take a beginning health quiz to determine my Current Health Score. This will provide a baseline of my health from which to build on. I get why this is important since you cannot measure progress if you don’t know where you started from.

The quiz was online and was divided into eight sections covering: What you eat, How much exercise or activity you get, Stress and work, Smoking habits, Weight and body mass, medical tests such as cholesterol, Medications and pre-existing conditions, and finally Family medical history.

All of the questions are multiple choice and the quiz went fairly quickly. They summarize all of your answers to the first sets of questions then multiply that by a factor as a result of your family medical history. The upper end of the score is over 100 while the lower end I thought was zero.

I say I thought zero because in actuality I somehow managed to get a negative score on my health quiz. If over 100 means I am Ultra-healthy, my score of -25.76 should classify me as clinically dead. The makers of the test did find some leniency and described my condition as “Sick”

That definition describes how I likely have significant medical conditions that are affecting my health and I have made a series of unhealthy choices that will impact the longevity and quality of life. Great, like I didn’t feel bad enough now I have some computer quiz telling me that the new next door neighbor in our neighborhood is the Grim Reaper and he may be coming over later for a donut, a can of beer, and to watch the Andy Griffith marathon on television.

Not exactly the picture of health which I probably should have expected given my before picture in the diet. So it looks like not only will I be changing my eating habits but I have a few other things I need to do to get my life back in order. Oh and I am going to see if Richard Simmons will adopt me since my slacker parents and ancestors aren’t doing my health any favors either.

Part of me feels a little like the death-row inmate whose cell is exactly outside the room where they are testing the electric chair. Even though you know that the lights flickering are just them testing to make sure they’ll kill you when they throw the switch you secretly hope that the governor will call and give you a last second reprieve.

Any day now the doctor is going to call and tell me that they made a mistake. That fatty liver wasn’t mine it belonged to that guy who was in for a physical before beginning his new career as a sumo wrestler.

I guess I really do need to take this more seriously (since according to Trina there is no way I can take this diet less seriously). So begrudgingly I began doing my homework in preparation for my first Parent-Health Coach Conference this week.

I began reading over the documents that Amy sent me to try and understand what this program is about. One of the things that immediately caught my eye was the requirement to drink half your body weight in ounces every day.

Wait what was that? The example they gave was for a 220-pound man he would need to consume 110 ounces of water on a daily basis. That is nearly 14 8-ounce glasses every day! Holy bathroom Batman!

Just for fun I filled up 14 glasses of water to see what I was up against. As near as I can figure I will be drinking the equivalent of a small children’s swimming pool without the life preserver. No good can possibly come from drinking that much water.

I’ve been married for over 30 years now so I know a thing or two about water retention and I can tell you no one wants to see fat people filled with water. It would be like a giant water balloon just waiting to be popped.

From a curiosity perspective I dumped the water in a gallon jug and it nearly filled it. I then set the water jug on the scale and it weighed just over 8 pounds. So let me get this straight, they want me to drink a gallon of water a day introducing roughly 8 pounds into my body in order to lose weight? Am I the only one that sees the mathematical flaw in this theory?

I decided to give this a shot. The next two days I will attempt to try and drink that amount first because I don’t think it’s possible and second because I am just plain curious to what my body will do when I introduce that much liquid into my system.

If you hear the equivalent of Niagara Falls coming from Arizona you’ll know that this experiment went awry and I have begun to resemble Violet Beauregarde the little girl from Willy Wonka when she ate the gum during her chocolate factory tour. Please make sure they send me to the taffy pulling room to help me regain my previous shape.

Looking around the pantry it was going to be a teary good-bye to several of my closest friends. Ah the wonderful mornings I spent with Lucky the leprechaun protecting the colorful marshmallows from those pesky kids who kept trying to steal them.

And what about my poor friend the rabbit? Without my help who was going to give him a bowl of Trix goodness? It surely would not be those selfish kids who seem to think there is an age limit on colorful round sugar-filled cereal.

Farewell sour dough bread, your tangy taste will now be but a memory as my diet goes to some regulated portion-controlled blob. Alas, it seems like everywhere I turned it was going to be an emotional farewell to the things I loved. Curse you evil fatty liver!

What I didn’t realize though was how my diet would affect the universe. Having raised five children I was well aware that once you reach your teenage years that the universe itself goes through some kind of cosmic puberty where in the planets cease to revolve around the sun and instead the teenager becomes the center and everything revolved around them. It is obvious that Copernicus never had any kids otherwise he would not have suggested such an obviously erroneous theory.

At first I just assumed that teenagers were wrong (despite their objections that they are never wrong). After today though I am beginning to wonder if the center of the universe really does revolve around each of us.

Shortly after receiving a shipment notification of diet food I received another email stating that the Hostess company maker of magical chocolate cupcakes, indestructible Twinkies, and my personal favorites HoHo’s was filing for bankruptcy.

Oh what have I done? Because of my stupid fatty liver I may have jeopardized an entire generation of children who will not be able to partake of the sugary goodness that was a Ding Dong. How could I have been such a fool as to believe that my decision to lose weight would not have an adverse effect on those around me? This was not the kind of loss I was expecting when I decided to go on a diet.

At first I thought this was the standard welcome message then I realized that this email had a purpose. Attached at the bottom of the email were three documents. I had to go back and re-read the message to find out that I actually had homework!

Nobody told me there would be homework. I had to go back and check the web site. Did I make a mistake filling out the forms and put that I was going to take this diet for credit? The last thing I need is to flunk diet; that would be embarrassing.

My first inclination was to suggest to Trina that maybe she should do the homework since she was the one who thought this was a good idea. But then I remembered the last time Trina helped one of the kids with their geography homework. Let’s just say Trina’s license plate “IBLOST” is not a coincidence.

The homework didn’t look too bad. There were two PDF files that talked about fat burning and getting started on a diet plan. Those two weren’t too bad. I was kind of thrown for a loop when the third document was Lesson 8 from some book and it referred to other chapters of the non-existent tome. I was about to call foul when Trina explained that the book was coming as part of my “Welcome kit” that was being shipped to my house.

The final part of the homework was to go out and take a quiz. Wait what? First homework and now quizzes; this is not good. I figured I better nip this in the bud right now before I was asked to write a research paper on fat or something.

A quick email to my personal health coach and I was told that it wasn’t really a test as much as it was a baseline to understand my weight loss goals. Hopefully one of the test answers is that I am being forced into this by a nagging liver and a wife who never gains weight.

I was beginning to feel a little better about this until Amy suggested that one other item I would need would be a before picture. I’m pretty sure we have all seen these pictures that look like someone just swallowed the yellow short bus with a marshmallow chaser.

This is not good at all. It is an absolute no win situation for a person beginning a diet to provide a before picture. If the diet is successful you will forever see the before picture as a constant reminder that you were one fish away from being Shamu’s roommate at Sea World.

On the other hand, if the diet is not successful you will have that before picture that looks the same as the after picture except that at least in the before picture you have the look of hope on your face whereas the after picture looks like you are depressed to find out you are having fish for dinner and Shamu is still looking for a roommate.

Neither of these two options sounded like a good idea for me. No what I needed was a picture that no matter what the outcome of this diet may be I would at least feel better about myself. And since I have a copy of Adobe Photoshop and Google I have all the tools I am going to need.

After a quick search, a download of a file, and a couple of small edits I had the perfect before picture for my diet. If at the end of this adventure the diet works I am going to look amazing compared to this picture. If the diet fails I can be content knowing that it could be worse, I could look like that guy in the photo.

After my edits I was ready to unveil my picture to my family. A couple of things to note, never show pictures like this to anyone drinking milk or if you do be prepared with a camcorder to get a great video of milk snort out their nose. These kinds of pictures also seem to cause involuntary spasms in children especially teenage children.

Trina of course had to pretend to be the responsible parent and chastise me for my photo selection. She exclaimed that it didn’t look as though I was taking this seriously. I had to look around at whom she was talking to; it couldn’t be me could it? Of course I’m not taking this seriously it’s me.

It’s not that I am not taking losing weight seriously it is that it doesn’t have to be that serious. I mean I’m trying to lose weight not my sense of humor. I seem to remember a similar conversation we had after one of my doctor visits when I was asked whether I had any side effects from a particular medication and my response was, “other than hair growing on the tops of my feet and the ability to speak telepathically with dolphins things seem normal”. Hey they’re the ones asking, not me.

I’ll probably end up having to have a photo taken but for now I’m really thinking of going with this one.