Having successfully completed the first two weeks of my diet I am now ready to begin week three. I am really looking forward to this week because I will now be able to incorporate exercise into the program.

It’s funny, when I was younger I fashioned myself an athlete. From a very early age I was involved in one sport or another. I was always active whether it be running, throwing, hitting, kicking, or swimming. As I got older and heavier I found my level of activity diminish.

Some of that had to do with becoming a father and settling down to provide for my family. Other parts of my life took precedent and I was less active. Add to this the fact that my job became more sedentary requiring me to sit in front of a computer screen for long periods of time and it was no wonder why I was gaining weight.

Every year I would promise myself that I would become more active but the thoughts of going to the gym made me cringe. I didn’t have a good positive image of myself and thought I was too old to make any difference.

As a companion to changing my eating habits, my health coach has given me homework to read about how I can make changes to live a healthier lifestyle. I initially expected this to be how to start exercise but I was surprised to learn that the program instead was teaching simple motion versus devoted exercise routines.

The reading text sounded like something I had first-hand experience with. Sixty percent of people get no regular physical activity. Twenty-five percent get no activity at all. Fifty percent of those who begin an exercise program quit within six months. Within a year of purchase 90 percent of all exercise equipment goes unused.

With those kinds of statistics its no wonder I have failed in maintaining the proper approach to exercise. I have a million and one excuses for not exercising but somehow cannot find a single reason important enough for me to stay focused.

This program attempts to change my way of thinking about physical activity. It doesn’t have to involve going to the gym, using specialized equipment, or even tracking the amount of weight or minutes I exercise each day. Instead they focus on adding regular movement to my daily life.

Every movement we make burns calories. Some movements burn more than other but the important piece is to begin slowly increasing the amount of calories we expend and not increasing the amount we consume.

They talk about simple things such as the number of calories you burn standing versus sitting or how you can add to your movement program by getting up out of your chair even if you don’t do anything other than sitting back down. Walk to the television or to the sink rather than asking someone to bring something because they are already there.

I’ve begun looking at every motion I make on a daily basis and contemplating how I can use this to my advantage buy increasing either the duration or intensity to burn a few more calories. Rather than looking for a parking place close to the entrance I am not looking at each step from the parking lot as another opportunity to burn excess calories.

It’s an interesting way of looking at the world and one I had taken for granted. From this point forward I need to consider what I can do to maximize movement in my life. Every step I take, every move I make needs to work to help me become healthier. It’s a small thing that who knows may make a difference in me living longer.

Shortly after joining “the program”, I received my first email from my personal health coach Amy. She gave me all of her contact information so I could contact her whenever I needed. I’ve decided if I ever want to become a stalker I am going to go out and join diet web sites and get people’s information. Not only do you have access to people they are likely in better shape than you are.

At first I thought this was the standard welcome message then I realized that this email had a purpose. Attached at the bottom of the email were three documents. I had to go back and re-read the message to find out that I actually had homework!

Nobody told me there would be homework. I had to go back and check the web site. Did I make a mistake filling out the forms and put that I was going to take this diet for credit? The last thing I need is to flunk diet; that would be embarrassing.

My first inclination was to suggest to Trina that maybe she should do the homework since she was the one who thought this was a good idea. But then I remembered the last time Trina helped one of the kids with their geography homework. Let’s just say Trina’s license plate “IBLOST” is not a coincidence.

The homework didn’t look too bad. There were two PDF files that talked about fat burning and getting started on a diet plan. Those two weren’t too bad. I was kind of thrown for a loop when the third document was Lesson 8 from some book and it referred to other chapters of the non-existent tome. I was about to call foul when Trina explained that the book was coming as part of my “Welcome kit” that was being shipped to my house.

The final part of the homework was to go out and take a quiz. Wait what? First homework and now quizzes; this is not good. I figured I better nip this in the bud right now before I was asked to write a research paper on fat or something.

A quick email to my personal health coach and I was told that it wasn’t really a test as much as it was a baseline to understand my weight loss goals. Hopefully one of the test answers is that I am being forced into this by a nagging liver and a wife who never gains weight.

I was beginning to feel a little better about this until Amy suggested that one other item I would need would be a before picture. I’m pretty sure we have all seen these pictures that look like someone just swallowed the yellow short bus with a marshmallow chaser.

This is not good at all. It is an absolute no win situation for a person beginning a diet to provide a before picture. If the diet is successful you will forever see the before picture as a constant reminder that you were one fish away from being Shamu’s roommate at Sea World.

On the other hand, if the diet is not successful you will have that before picture that looks the same as the after picture except that at least in the before picture you have the look of hope on your face whereas the after picture looks like you are depressed to find out you are having fish for dinner and Shamu is still looking for a roommate.

Neither of these two options sounded like a good idea for me. No what I needed was a picture that no matter what the outcome of this diet may be I would at least feel better about myself. And since I have a copy of Adobe Photoshop and Google I have all the tools I am going to need.

After a quick search, a download of a file, and a couple of small edits I had the perfect before picture for my diet. If at the end of this adventure the diet works I am going to look amazing compared to this picture. If the diet fails I can be content knowing that it could be worse, I could look like that guy in the photo.

After my edits I was ready to unveil my picture to my family. A couple of things to note, never show pictures like this to anyone drinking milk or if you do be prepared with a camcorder to get a great video of milk snort out their nose. These kinds of pictures also seem to cause involuntary spasms in children especially teenage children.

Trina of course had to pretend to be the responsible parent and chastise me for my photo selection. She exclaimed that it didn’t look as though I was taking this seriously. I had to look around at whom she was talking to; it couldn’t be me could it? Of course I’m not taking this seriously it’s me.

It’s not that I am not taking losing weight seriously it is that it doesn’t have to be that serious. I mean I’m trying to lose weight not my sense of humor. I seem to remember a similar conversation we had after one of my doctor visits when I was asked whether I had any side effects from a particular medication and my response was, “other than hair growing on the tops of my feet and the ability to speak telepathically with dolphins things seem normal”. Hey they’re the ones asking, not me.

I’ll probably end up having to have a photo taken but for now I’m really thinking of going with this one.

I have mixed emotions about the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012. On the one hand I am going to miss several of the wonderful experiences that I had this past year. Looking back our family has definitely been blessed with more than we ever deserved.

Several of the highlights of the past 12 months have something to do with baseball and in particular the Arizona Diamondbacks, which is to be expected if you know me at all. Rather than recount everything that happened last year I have written it in our Family Newsletter that normally goes out with our Christmas cards which were somehow lost (I’m still claiming they are either in the pantry that needs to be cleaned or aliens abducted them and are now probing the cards for some scientific experiment).

Despite trying to say positive and optimistic about the past year there were some things I would just as soon try to forget some of the events we endured. As I stop to ponder the problems I’m left with an overwhelming sense of gratitude not because of the pain or suffering but for the humility these trials have taught me. In nearly every instance the problem or trial I’ve endured has resulted in more blessings.

While it was difficult to see Ashley and Eli’s marriage end and there were countless phone calls and trips to Utah to deal with the aftermath there was a hidden silver lining. Ashley and Lily have now moved back to Arizona and are currently living with us. When our kids were little I was so involved in my career that I was not around nearly as much as I should have been. Now I have been given a Mulligan to learn from that. Now I have the opportunity to be around every day and engage with Lily and watch everything she learns.

When 2011 started it did so under very uncertain terms. Starting in December 2010 I went through a series of surgeries. First my gallbladder was removed that was to help with a lot of the problems I was having with my health. During tests leading up to that though the doctors uncovered several other “areas of concern”.

During a chest X-ray doctors found an irregular mass in my chest that they cannot account for. I’ve seen several specialists and the mass to date continues to baffle the medical community. It is in such a place that it is impossible to remove or do a biopsy without potentially impacting my heart. It’s always fun when you’re told you have a mystery mass in your chest that may or may not be a problem and that the only treatment process seems to be to regularly do chest X-rays to monitor if it is moving or growing.

If that was not troublesome enough, tests also suggested that I might have prostate cancer. This of course led to additional tests and was finally given a clean bill of health at least in that area. These tests though led to other tests and a year ago I went in for exploratory surgery for possible pancreatic cancer.

It’s funny how different your outlook on life is when they start using the “C” word. More tests and more surgical procedures and the doctor came back with the diagnosis that what they found was “pre-cancerous”. I’m not exactly sure what “pre-cancerous” means. I thought the answer was a simple yes or no but that doesn’t necessarily seem to be the case.

I had always been under the impression that Medicine was kind of an exact science but the more deeply I get involved I realize that it’s a lot like playing the lottery but doctors get paid more and my odds of winning are greater for the lottery.

Despite all the uncertainty and being poked and prodded more than one of the Kardashian sisters I’m trying to relax and find the humor in all of this. That’s easier said than done at times. You try to come up with an appropriate comeback while wearing a hospital gown bent over a table with banjo music playing on the doctor’s office speakers.

Trina has begun going to the doctors with me. At first I thought it was because she wanted to see the hospital gown but she quickly denied that. No, she wanted to hear first hand what the doctor was saying. It’s not that she didn’t trust me. Ok, it’s exactly that she didn’t trust me to tell her what the doctor said.

During one visit as we were either going over the fielding statistics for the Arizona Diamondbacks infield or my blood work from the latest tests the doctor explained that I was overweight. It’s funny how they phrase it. It’s not, “Oh man you are seriously fat!” It’s a little more subtle than that. They use phrases like, “According to the levels you have a fatty liver.”

It’s kind of sneaky really. My response was, “ok doc so how much exercise do you think we should make my liver do so it gets back in shape and loses a few pounds?” This is met with some kind of blank stare followed by an explanation that its me who has to lose the pounds and that the liver just sits there.

So as a result Trina came away with the solution that I need to change my eating habits and lose some weight. And since it is New Years this is perfect since I will have plenty of company with other beached whales who’s liver is requiring them to drop a few pounds and a few hamburgers.

Just so we are all clear, this sucks. I like sitting on the couch and watching the MLB Network while eating Lucky Charms. My wife, my doctor, and that traitor my liver seems to think it’s time to change. So I have been given one New Years resolution, reduce my weight.

I figured that since this is my first attempt at dieting it might be fun to document the process. After all, if my liver and me end up getting into an argument I at least want everyone to know my side of the story.

I’ll admit it, I am a complete geek when it comes to gadgets. I am constantly looking for new devices to automate every aspect of my life. I have no idea why I find this so fascinating but I do. So when my wife suggested that perhaps we should start walking to get a little exercise; the first thing I did was to begin looking at pedometers.

In its simplest form a pedometer is attached to your waistband and will measure the number of steps that you take in the course of a day. Obviously though I was not interested in the simplest form of a device. No, I had to find the most tricked out pedometer on the planet.

I wanted something that would not only document the number of steps I took but would also provide other data that could be used to determine how efficient I was walking. I began my search for the ultimate pedometer and after exhaustive research I found the Omron HJ-720IT pedometer.

The HJ-720IT will calculate the number of steps you take but also offers several other features. For example, you can calibrate the pedometer by entering your weight and length of stride and the device will calculate how many steps you have taken, the number of calories you have burned, and the distance you have travelled. It will also measure the pace of the walking you have done as well as the time you have taken. With these measurements it can determine if you have entered aerobic exercise range and will calculate the number of steps and the time you spent working out aerobically.

All of these data points are supposed to help you understand what type of exercise you are getting and how long the exercise is lasting. Of course having all of this information on your pedometer is great but who wants to have to go home each night and write down the data for tracking your progress?

The people at Omron understand what a pain that is so they designed the HJ-720IT with a mini-USB port that can be connected to a personal computer running Windows. The pedometer comes with health management software that will download the information from the device and enter the data in a proprietary Microsoft Access database.

The data is then presented to the user in graph format. Within the software you can set daily goals for each of the measurements. When the data is downloaded from the pedometer it is compared against the goals and will display which days you reached your goal and which days you were unsuccessful.

The software is fairly straight forward to use. You can create separate user accounts for each person having a pedometer. The software will recognize when the pedometer is attached to the computer and if you try to download the data in the wrong user account you are given a warning.

Initially the software would only support Windows XP but a recent release has also made the software available for Windows Vista as well. I’ve attempted to find out whether a new version will be made available for Windows 7 but no work yet from the manufacturer.

The display on the pedometer itself will display data for the last seven days but the pedometer itself will store data for up to 45 days after which you will get a few days of warning to down the data on the pedometer. If you ignore the warnings the pedometer will cease collecting data until it is downloaded.

Once data has been downloaded to the computer it is erased from the pedometer so I would definitely recommend backing up the database on the computer regularly to avoid losing anything.

The HJ-720IT pedometer runs on a single 2032 wafer battery. The battery life is roughly 6 months regardless of whether the pedometer is used or not. The device does give you some warning when the battery is low but not very much so when the display begins flashing, make sure you replace the battery soon.

Overall the device has worked flawlessly. It has given me an indication of exactly how sedentary I have actually become which is kind of depressing to think about. Having the data in graph form has been interesting and I can see what times of day I am most idle.

I do wish there was a Macintosh version of the software but that does not seem to be a high priority to Omron making it fairly useless for Mac users. The software will also interface with Omron’s blood pressure devices to allow you to track your blood pressure as well as your walking activities.

While I probably didn’t need a pedometer with a computer interface it has been fun to watch and see how my walking activities have changed since I’ve started using it. I would recommend the HJ-720IT but with the caveat that you need a Windows PC to make it useful. For now, I have to go, I’m still 7,231 steps away from my daily goal and the day is half over.

I’m developing a rather healthy love/hate relationship with my Nintendo Wii Fit. Ever since we got the thing I have tried to give it a fair trial. I know I am not getting any younger and my life seems to be in complete turmoil making it nearly impossible for me to find time to go to an actual gym. So anything that I can find that will get me a little more active I am all for. I initially attempted to use Wii Fit and was completely miserable. According to the documentation that came with this torture device, it is built to help you with strength and balance. Really all it did was confirm my worst fears. I am old, out of shape, and have all the balance of a yak with an inner ear problem.

I had expected that after struggling with the exercises and trying to grasp the concept in general that the Wii Fit would be a little understanding. Instead of giving me encouraging words though the device decided to take a “tough love” kind of approach. After failing miserably at one of the balance exercises the Wii Fit came back and asked me if I had problems walking and whether I found myself falling down a lot. Yeah thanks, that’s exactly what I needed, a smart aleck video console. If I didn’t know any better I would think my family programmed this evil device.
I might have been ok if the Wii Fit would have just left it at verbally abusing my lack of fitness. But no, it was not content to just make me fall on my face. While I was down it decided to give me a swift kick to the squishy part of my anatomy. After having completely humiliated myself by being unable to hula hoop, catch soccer balls with my head, and do some sort of human origami that the Wii Fit referred to as Yoga, the fitness board decided to put one last nail in the coffin. While I stood there it assessed my weight, body mass, and fitness level and proclaimed me as overweight. Great, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Oh but wait, there’s more. Based on my performance my Wii Fit age was assessed at 65 years old. So according to this video game I am an old, fat, senior citizen.
After my assessment my Mii character on the Wii was suddenly transformed into a more accurate representation of my physical self. Instead of the somewhat athletic looking Mii character I used to have, I now was presented with a chubby old looking character that waddled when he walked. Oh this is just perfect, how can this possibly get any better? My Mii character went to join those of the rest of the family. They all lined up on the screen to show a Wii family portrait. Each of my kids and my wife were identified as being under weight so their Mii characters were thin rails which augmented the fatness of my Mii. I looked a little bit like Hannibal Lecter and from the looks of it I had already eaten all the other Mii characters.
The Wii Fit then had the audacity to suggest that perhaps I should be working out substantially more than what the rest of my family were required to do. It wanted me to set fitness goals and to stop eating like a horse. It was like my mother-in-law had morphed into a video game. I provided the Wii some feedback as to what I thought if its suggestions but fortunately it doesn’t understand sign language.
Since my initial Wii Fit session I have briefly tried to get into it but each time I step onto the fitness board and hear it go, “Whoa!” I want to hurl the thing into the next room. I’ve therefore not been the model Wii Fit poster child that the company would have anticipated. I was not motivated and had no intention of taking any more abuse from this thing. If I want to get this much crap I’ll start listening to my wife; I don’t need my television for that.
Today I got an email introducing some accessories for my Wii and more specifically for my Wii Fit. Yeah, like I am going to reward that Wii Fit with new toys after all the grief it has been giving me. Still, I am always curious what new products are coming out so I decided to click on the link and see what was coming. I was presented with a write-up for what was referred to as the 5-in1 Fitness Bundle. It is a series of accessories for the Wii Fit that will make it even more enjoyable to use this wonderful device.
This was obviously written by someone who was assessed with perfect balance and a below average body fat index. No one could be that cheerful if they were just told that they resembled Jabba the Hut in spandex. The accessories included a rechargeable battery pack for the fitness board so that even if you’re fat you can be environmentally friendly. A neat little carrying case so that you can take your Wii Fit with you wherever you go since the constant nagging of this device should not be limited just to your living room. You also get a silicon covering for the fitness board to protect it from damage which I presume is done by having Shamu-sized people stepping on it. The Fitness Bundle also included a pea green fitness mat. This actually could come in handy since according to the Wii Fit I am incapable of standing up on my own without falling down so I should at least fall on a mat instead of hitting my head on the floor. The final item in the bundle is a pair of fitness socks. Yeah you read that right, the fitness bundle includes a pair of white athletic socks with a racing stripe that matches the crappy green fitness mat.
Wow, what an amazing product! How could I help but be enthusiastic about the 5-in-1 Fitness Bundle? I mean what else could a guy ask for to get him back into shape? I was sold and eagerly started looking on the screen for the “Buy It Now” button. I was all prepared to give this another chance but then I saw that this product had gotten a less than stellar review. My curiosity was piqued, what could someone possibly find wrong with such a cutting edge product? The comment stated,

I received my Wii 5-in-1 Fitness Bundle yesterday and opened it today. It does NOT come with 3 pairs of socks as it says here on Amazon.com and on the box. I only received 1 pair.

Oh no! You mean I only get one pair of athletic socks with this? This won’t do at all, I mean what if they get dirty and I need to wash them? I won’t be able to work out until after laundry is done. That will of course cause me to lose fitness level which will result in more abuse flung my way by the Wii Fit. No, I just don’t think I could deal with that. I slid my credit card back in my wallet and walked away. Thank heavens I read that review first.

I thought I would start with a continuation of yesterday’s entry and give you an update on how it went at the Grand Canyon State Games. Both Trina and Tiffany had registered for events in Track and Field. The track meet was located at Mesa Community College in Mesa (it works out better to put the college in the city it is located otherwise people get really confused). Events were to start at 5:30 PM and check-in was to begin at 5:00 PM. After spending the morning at the Sports Authority watching as Trina tried on various shirts and shorts, I was definitely ready for something a little more exciting. Trina was especially nervous since she had not jumped competitively in over a quart of a century. She loves it when I put it in terms like that. Add to this the fact that she had not trained at all for this event and her anxiety levels were extremely high. Tiffany on the other hand was the poster child for coolness. Competing at a high level has become old hat to her and she was just enjoying the idea of being able to high jump with her mom.

We arrived at the track at 4:45 PM (Trina didn’t want to be late for her big meet). As I pulled into the parking lot I noted that the temperature was registering 116 degrees, the hottest day so far this year. I parked the car among the other athletes who were unloading equipment and making their way into the stadium. It was interesting to see the types of people that the Grand Canyon State Games attracted. There was a woman in her late 60′s who was entered in the pole vault, shot put, and long jump. There was a man who was in his 80′s that was running the 400 meters and the 100 meters. At the high jump pit there was Trina and Tiffany along with an athlete that Tiffany competed against at the High School State Track Meet in May and one lady in her mid-20′s. For the men’s side there were two kids that looked as though they had recently graduated from high school, a man in his 40′s and a man in his late 50′s or early 60′s. This was a pretty diverse group with very distinct styles. Most of the jumpers were using the Fosbury flop except for the older gentleman who did the Western Roll.
As the competition readied to begin, the judges asked each athlete what height they would be coming in at. Each of them began talking giving the officials the height they wanted to begin jumping. You would have thought that this would have been the easiest part of the competition. Unfortunately this is where everything began to break down between the meet officials and the athletes. Each of the athletes gave their opening heights using feet and inches. The high jump standards and all official results pages were in meters and centimeters. Everyone stood around looking at each other not quite knowing what to do. Now if I were smart I would have just kept my mouth shut and let them figure it out; but I have never been accused of being smart so I opened my mouth and offered that the conversion rate was that one meter equaled 39.37 inches. Taking that into consideration they should be able to figure out what height they wanted to jump and what the bar was currently set at. From the looks I received when I made that suggestion, I may as well have just described the theory of relativity or how light bends. My day officially changed at that point as every athlete would come to me to ask what height the bar was set at and what that equated to in a measurement they knew. It might have been a little easier if I had thought to bring a calculator. Instead I spent the afternoon and evening doing my impression of the Rainman rattling off numbers and calculations in my head. I briefly considered starting to talk in the voice of Dustin Hoffman and stating that I buy all of my underwear at K-Mart but I was afraid no one would get the reference and I would end up looking like some sort of creepy idiot savant. For once I made the right decision and kept quiet except for announcing each calculation.
When the high jump ended I thought so did my calculating job; I was wrong. We made our way over to the long jump pit to await the beginning of the triple jump. Word had gotten around that I seemed to know the metric system and jumpers began lining up to ask me how far they had jumped or what a calculation was so they could set their mark on the runway. You would have thought that I was interpreting a foreign language instead of converting units of measure. This really is not that hard. I came away with a headache. I am not sure whether this headache is the result of spending the day out in the sun or because I had just taken the equivalent of a mathematics oral exam. Either way I thought I should have gotten a gold medal for my performance. Instead I have to be content to looking at Trina’s or Tiffany’s. It was an interesting day to say the least.

Late last evening we received a call from our oldest daughter Ashley. Last year she decided that she was going to get back in shape and lose the weight that she had gained since going to college. She has been diligently working on that and is now probably in the best shape of her life. She looks great and feels even better. During her high school years Ashley was a pretty good athlete. She was a triple jumper on the track team and to this day holds the freshman record in that event at the high school. With all the success that Tiffany has had during her high school track career; Ashley had once again gotten the competitive bug and wanted to compete. Living in Utah she found a state competition that among the events featured track and field. She entered the meet and competed in the long jump and the triple jump. She called to tell us that she won both events. We were very proud of her and were excited to share in her news.

As she was talking to Trina she mentioned that Arizona had a similar competition called the Grand Canyon State games. It just so happens that these games also were scheduled to begin this weekend. As Trina and Ashley talked I could already see a plan being hatched. Trina was a very gifted athlete in her day setting marks in the high jump and long jump. Since moving to Arizona 14 years ago she has also volunteered to help coach some of the middle school athletes in the high jump. As part of her teaching she would go out and jump with them once in a while. Everyone was amazed that she was still able to clear the bar with ease and commented on how athletic she still was. Now here was Ashley trying to talk her mother into competing in the Grand Canyon State games. The most insane part of this conversation was the fact that the event was scheduled for the following day (today).
After the conversation Trina went in and talked to Tiffany who likewise was excited at the prospects that her mom could be a competitor. They went to the Internet and found the web site and before I knew it both Trina and Tiffany had signed up and paid the entrance fees. They are now both scheduled to compete in the high jump this afternoon. Tiffany is also registered for the triple jump. Trina is now stressed out since she realized what she has gotten herself into. She doesn’t even own a pair of shorts that would be appropriate to high jump in. She had decided she would just jump in her Levi shorts but I explained that probably would not be the best attire to wear in a competition. This morning we’ll be out looking for something for her to wear. She is going to try and borrow a pair of spikes from Tiffany (assuming Tiffany can find her old ones in that dirty bedroom of hers). Otherwise I am not sure that we won’t be looking for shoes as well as shorts for her. She is to be at the Mesa Community College track no later than 5 PM with jumping to start at 5:30 PM. Temperatures are to be around 114 degrees today so this should be interesting. I need to make sure we have enough water and pain killers because I think she is going to need both of those before this day is done.

I had previously written about my shopping adventures trying to get a Wii Fit for my kids. Since that traumatic episode I have shied away from anything having to do with this device. Well that and the fact that the Arizona Diamondbacks have been in town for a 6 game home stand has left me with very little free time. The Wii Fit box had been set down next to the television and literally forgotten about until Dakota uncovered its existence. Since that time all I have heard was his pleas to set up this device so he could play. I swear, I really need to stash things in better places until I have enough time to deal with things after baseball season is over. Finally I could not take it anymore and I allowed the kids to set up the Wii Fit. I was hoping that telling the kids to go for it would dissuade them. I further assumed that setting up a Wii Fit would be too complicated for mere children to understand and therefore give me a little extra time. I was wrong on so many levels.

I got home from the baseball game to find that not only was the Wii Fit unpackaged but it was also properly set up and configured. I asked who had accomplished such a technical feat. My youngest Dakota raised his hand. At first I thought perhaps I had underestimated Dakota and that he was some sort of technology genius. His sisters quickly chimed in that Dakota did not deserve any special accolades as the Wii Fit was so simple that “mom could put it together”. At least I didn’t say that so I could not be held accountable.
Not only had the kids set up the Wii Fit but they had also completed their first workout. Being in the midst of a baseball home stand the last thing I wanted to do was start a workout routine. I therefore declined their invitation to get started leaving that up to Trina. I’ll give Trina credit; she is willing to try anything once. They set her up and began the workout. From the other room I heard the roars of laughter followed by the screams of agony as Trina realized that she was not quite in the level of fitness that she had imagined herself in. Considering Trina is in much better shape than I am in I was not going near that thing. That of course was not in the cards. The kids had barely finished laughing at their mother when they began hounding me that it was my turn. The last thing I need is a video game to remind me of what a fat slob I have become. I bowed out of their invitation but instead just got a reprieve of 24 hours before I will be forced to face the Wii Fitness Master for my 2-week torture. I always thought that video games were supposed to be fun. This doesn’t sound like a good time at all. Whatever happened to pong? Now there was a game I could master and really how much abuse can a small white block give you when it can’t even hit a square white ball travelling in a straight line across the screen? I think I have only a few Wii hours to live.

“Would you mind stopping at the store on your way to work and picking something up for me?” Never has one sentence contained such a veiled attempt. It seemed like a fairly innocent request. After all, Trina does so much for me how could I possibly decline when she asks me to do something? I have no answer to that last question but after today I can tell you that I do plan to do some research to find an appropriate way to say no if she ever asks me to stop at a store again. Before getting this request it was a pretty run-of-the-mill Wednesday. The week would soon be half over and with everything we have going on today appeared to be the calm before the storm. I just didn’t realize how close the storm was.

I headed out the door and headed towards the office. There is a Target store that I drive past every day so that seemed like the logical store to stop at to pick up the item Trina had requested. For Easter we got a Wii for the kids. I say for the kids but both Trina and I have had just as much fun with it as the kids have. Getting the Wii game system was just the beginning though. I thought I had everything covered with remotes, nun chucks, Wii wheels, and a couple of games. I was sorely mistaken. This was just the beginning. Now every time we go to a store we stop by the electronics section to see what new things there are for the Wii. I’ve almost come to the conclusion that we didn’t buy a game console; we adopted another child. A child with an insatiable hunger for new technology. One who is now eating us out of house and home.
Today is a prime example. The item I was supposed to pick up for Trina was the Wii Fit that was scheduled to be released today. From what I can gather from the pre-release press clippings the Wii Fit is a combination of software coupled with a “balance board” that when used together will allow the user to get into shape using their game console. Well I just got finished trying to explain the whole Turbo Jam purchase so I figured there was no way I would get sucked into the Wii Fit craze. Obviously I was wrong. My assignment today was to pick up the Wii Fit along with the Wii Ski game that can use the “balance board” to simulate the balance necessary to ski or snow board.
I arrived at the Target parking lot about 10 minutes before the store actually opened. I pulled into a parking spot and turned off the car. I glanced over at the door and saw 4-5 people standing at the entrance waiting for the doors to be unlocked. It always amazes me when people are willing to stand outside and wait for the store to open. I can’t imagine anything outside of baseball tickets that I would be willing to wait for. I was cursing myself for the fact that I was 10 minutes early. I could have stayed home a few minutes more rather than sitting in the car. It was too late now though. I opened the door and got out of the car. As I hit the alarm on my car remote I looked up to find that the 4-5 people at the door had now swelled to a small crowd of 15-20 people. I wondered what was at Target that would bring 20 people out before the store opened. As I got to the still locked store door the crowd was now about 25. Just as I was about to ask one of those waiting if this was a normal size crowd the Target employee unlocked the door.
I’m a scuba diver and I have been in my share of surf surges but I have never experienced one quite as strong as what I did outside of Target. I was engulfed in a wave of people and propelled through the door. I can’t be positive but I think I heard the sounds of a cattle stampede coming from the crowd. I figured once everyone made it through the door they would split off going various directions to get the items they had been waiting for. I never in a million years would have guessed that this entire crowd was all there for the exact same item, the Wii Fit.
The mob turned the corner of the store and made its way towards electronics where there were two young kids with Target employee name tags standing at a counter. One look at this mooing mass of people and these young adults facial expression changed to what could best be described as the look of a deer that had just been caught in a car’s headlights. One employee leapt over the counter to safety before being trampled. The other just stood there frozen. In unison that resembled the mob looking for Frankenstein’s monster the crowd yelled “Wii Fit!” From behind the counter came a shaking finger that pointed towards the end cap. The other employee continued to stare straight ahead remaining motionless locked in fear. The mob changed direction and surged to the end cap. As they reached the display it began to be dismantled. Wii Fit boxes flew through the air with what seemed like hundreds of hands reaching and grabbing. The closest thing I could compare this to would be a scene I saw on the Discovery Channel that showed a cow falling into a river filled with piranha. It was one of the scariest things I had ever seen. Within 3 minutes the display was destroyed and all of the Wii Fit were gone. The only thing that remained was a price sign that now precariously hung by one bold swaying in the aftershocks of the crowd. The mob disbanded and made their way to other parts of the store.
I can’t explain it but somehow when I was engulfed in the crowd I was propelled towards the middle and a Wii Fit literally fell from the sky hitting me on the head and landing in my arms. So with the exception of the headache that was now growing where the box hit me, things turned out ok. I checked out and walked towards the front entrance. I looked at my watch and realized that it was only 4 minutes since the doors had opened. It was a nightmare but one that was at least short lived.

For as long as I can remember I have only slept 3-4 hours a night max. A lot of times it is even less than that. For whatever reason I just cannot sleep any longer than that. This means that I am up between 20 and 21 hours a day. So while everyone in the house sleeps, I am up doing something. It drives Trina crazy since she never knows what she is going to wake up to. One night I couldn’t find some spice in the cupboard so when Trina got up I had completely rearranged the spice cupboard. She is still trying to find stuff from that episode. In most cases my nights are filled with fairly normal activities such as programming, writing, or research. That of course leads it its own set of strange things like the night that I decided to rewire the house for networking. There is nothing quite like seeing the look on your wife’s face when she comes down to find holes in her walls and wire strewn across what was a clean house when she went to bed 8 hours ago. I thought I should have gotten credit for drilling holes in the walls without waking everyone up but obviously that didn’t count for as many points as I thought it should. Lately I have been trying to limit my destruction unless explicitly given permission before Trina goes to bed. I had to put that last part in since Trina says it doesn’t count if I go into the bedroom at 4 AM and ask her questions or get her approval since she will never remember that by morning.

Things have been getting a little better since we got DirecTV. There is usually some channel that is still broadcasting in the middle of the night. I’m still not happy that the DIY network goes to infomercials after 1:00 AM. This was especially bad about a week ago when I was bored and flipping through channels. I settled on the DIY channel hoping that they had updated their programming to be 24/7; but that was not the case. Instead I ended up watching someone named Chalene Johnson. She was demonstrating something called Turbo Jam which looked like a cross between dancing and martial arts. During the next 30 minutes she explained this program that would magically melt the pounds away leaving you with the hardened body of a sculpted God. Since the first of the year I had come to realize that my once athletic body looked more like that of an athletic supporter than an athlete. I had decided that I really needed to get back in shape. It has been a couple of years since my last shoulder surgery and in that time I had become less active and heavier. I don’t necessarily feel fat but I don’t feel good either. Hey, maybe this Turbo Jam thing is what I need. Yeah that is just what I thought. It’s amazing how good an idea sounds when it is 3:25 AM and no one else is around to stop you from doing something stupid. Armed with a web address and the motivation from watching 30 minutes of sales presentation I went to the computer and placed an order.
The television said it would be 3 low payments of $19.95 and in just a few short weeks I would look like Michaelangelo’s David. Interestingly enough, the web site differed somewhat from what I was led to believe on the television. First of all the 3 low payments somehow morphed into one large payment which was explained to me to be much easier for me. Oh yeah I can see that; I only have to lament one charge to my credit card rather than three; that’s a good idea. The next discrepancy was around the package itself. On the screen it showed what looked like the old World Book Encyclopedia 26 book edition of all knowledge of the world. As I went through the order pages I was continually asked if I wanted to add this piece or that piece to help me reach my weight reduction and body building goals. Until 30 minutes ago I didn’t even know I had a weight reduction and body building goal now I have an entire library of DVDs, a pair of gloves without fingers but with weighted palms, two pieces of elastic rubber, a pair of plastic handles, and a really cool measuring tape. I also got a lecture on disaster recovery as I paid an additional $6.95 for a lifetime of peace of mind knowing I could get a damaged DVD replaced. I was worried that when I retired and actually had time to go through these DVDs that I would find one of the discs defective and could not get it replaced. Now I don’t have to worry. That should be good for an extra hour of two of sleep at least. In the end what I thought would be 3 payments of $19.95 was instead a single payment of $134.32. And I didn’t even buy the personal coach services, the diet and nutrition plan, or online community membership. I also declined signing up for the vitamin and supplement of the month club but I am reminded of that with follow-up emails about every 3-4 days. So now I am in the waiting mode as I watch the door for signs of a buff UPS man who is going to deliver my new body via Free Express Delivery that only cost me $12.95. I’ve tried to explain this to Trina who is looking very skeptical at this whole thing. Trust me, at 3:45 AM this was a great idea. So I’ve made a commitment and according to Trina I am going to use these DVDs even if it kills me. I’m not sure what I can expect. This may be legit and I’ll end up changing careers and becoming a male model. On the other hand I may have just bought the most expensive set of DVD coasters I have ever purchased. This should be fun or at the very least funny. I just need to make sure that all video cameras are accounted for. I don’t think the world needs a YouTube link to a 4-5 minute video of me doing Turbo Jam. No good could come from that.