Watered Down Weight Loss

Now that I know the exact date when the UPS guy is going to drop the F-bomb at my house (food bomb) I can start to get prepared for the official beginning of my new diet. I have exactly two more days to live.

Part of me feels a little like the death-row inmate whose cell is exactly outside the room where they are testing the electric chair. Even though you know that the lights flickering are just them testing to make sure they’ll kill you when they throw the switch you secretly hope that the governor will call and give you a last second reprieve.

Any day now the doctor is going to call and tell me that they made a mistake. That fatty liver wasn’t mine it belonged to that guy who was in for a physical before beginning his new career as a sumo wrestler.

I guess I really do need to take this more seriously (since according to Trina there is no way I can take this diet less seriously). So begrudgingly I began doing my homework in preparation for my first Parent-Health Coach Conference this week.

I began reading over the documents that Amy sent me to try and understand what this program is about. One of the things that immediately caught my eye was the requirement to drink half your body weight in ounces every day.

Wait what was that? The example they gave was for a 220-pound man he would need to consume 110 ounces of water on a daily basis. That is nearly 14 8-ounce glasses every day! Holy bathroom Batman!

Just for fun I filled up 14 glasses of water to see what I was up against. As near as I can figure I will be drinking the equivalent of a small children’s swimming pool without the life preserver. No good can possibly come from drinking that much water.

I’ve been married for over 30 years now so I know a thing or two about water retention and I can tell you no one wants to see fat people filled with water. It would be like a giant water balloon just waiting to be popped.

From a curiosity perspective I dumped the water in a gallon jug and it nearly filled it. I then set the water jug on the scale and it weighed just over 8 pounds. So let me get this straight, they want me to drink a gallon of water a day introducing roughly 8 pounds into my body in order to lose weight? Am I the only one that sees the mathematical flaw in this theory?

I decided to give this a shot. The next two days I will attempt to try and drink that amount first because I don’t think it’s possible and second because I am just plain curious to what my body will do when I introduce that much liquid into my system.

If you hear the equivalent of Niagara Falls coming from Arizona you’ll know that this experiment went awry and I have begun to resemble Violet Beauregarde the little girl from Willy Wonka when she ate the gum during her chocolate factory tour. Please make sure they send me to the taffy pulling room to help me regain my previous shape.


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