What Will Wii Think of Next?

I’m developing a rather healthy love/hate relationship with my Nintendo Wii Fit. Ever since we got the thing I have tried to give it a fair trial. I know I am not getting any younger and my life seems to be in complete turmoil making it nearly impossible for me to find time to go to an actual gym. So anything that I can find that will get me a little more active I am all for. I initially attempted to use Wii Fit and was completely miserable. According to the documentation that came with this torture device, it is built to help you with strength and balance. Really all it did was confirm my worst fears. I am old, out of shape, and have all the balance of a yak with an inner ear problem.

I had expected that after struggling with the exercises and trying to grasp the concept in general that the Wii Fit would be a little understanding. Instead of giving me encouraging words though the device decided to take a “tough love” kind of approach. After failing miserably at one of the balance exercises the Wii Fit came back and asked me if I had problems walking and whether I found myself falling down a lot. Yeah thanks, that’s exactly what I needed, a smart aleck video console. If I didn’t know any better I would think my family programmed this evil device.
I might have been ok if the Wii Fit would have just left it at verbally abusing my lack of fitness. But no, it was not content to just make me fall on my face. While I was down it decided to give me a swift kick to the squishy part of my anatomy. After having completely humiliated myself by being unable to hula hoop, catch soccer balls with my head, and do some sort of human origami that the Wii Fit referred to as Yoga, the fitness board decided to put one last nail in the coffin. While I stood there it assessed my weight, body mass, and fitness level and proclaimed me as overweight. Great, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Oh but wait, there’s more. Based on my performance my Wii Fit age was assessed at 65 years old. So according to this video game I am an old, fat, senior citizen.
After my assessment my Mii character on the Wii was suddenly transformed into a more accurate representation of my physical self. Instead of the somewhat athletic looking Mii character I used to have, I now was presented with a chubby old looking character that waddled when he walked. Oh this is just perfect, how can this possibly get any better? wiifitnespack.jpg My Mii character went to join those of the rest of the family. They all lined up on the screen to show a Wii family portrait. Each of my kids and my wife were identified as being under weight so their Mii characters were thin rails which augmented the fatness of my Mii. I looked a little bit like Hannibal Lecter and from the looks of it I had already eaten all the other Mii characters.
The Wii Fit then had the audacity to suggest that perhaps I should be working out substantially more than what the rest of my family were required to do. It wanted me to set fitness goals and to stop eating like a horse. It was like my mother-in-law had morphed into a video game. I provided the Wii some feedback as to what I thought if its suggestions but fortunately it doesn’t understand sign language.
Since my initial Wii Fit session I have briefly tried to get into it but each time I step onto the fitness board and hear it go, “Whoa!” I want to hurl the thing into the next room. I’ve therefore not been the model Wii Fit poster child that the company would have anticipated. I was not motivated and had no intention of taking any more abuse from this thing. If I want to get this much crap I’ll start listening to my wife; I don’t need my television for that.
Today I got an email introducing some accessories for my Wii and more specifically for my Wii Fit. Yeah, like I am going to reward that Wii Fit with new toys after all the grief it has been giving me. Still, I am always curious what new products are coming out so I decided to click on the link and see what was coming. I was presented with a write-up for what was referred to as the 5-in1 Fitness Bundle. It is a series of accessories for the Wii Fit that will make it even more enjoyable to use this wonderful device.
This was obviously written by someone who was assessed with perfect balance and a below average body fat index. No one could be that cheerful if they were just told that they resembled Jabba the Hut in spandex. The accessories included a rechargeable battery pack for the fitness board so that even if you’re fat you can be environmentally friendly. A neat little carrying case so that you can take your Wii Fit with you wherever you go since the constant nagging of this device should not be limited just to your living room. You also get a silicon covering for the fitness board to protect it from damage which I presume is done by having Shamu-sized people stepping on it. The Fitness Bundle also included a pea green fitness mat. This actually could come in handy since according to the Wii Fit I am incapable of standing up on my own without falling down so I should at least fall on a mat instead of hitting my head on the floor. The final item in the bundle is a pair of fitness socks. Yeah you read that right, the fitness bundle includes a pair of white athletic socks with a racing stripe that matches the crappy green fitness mat.
Wow, what an amazing product! How could I help but be enthusiastic about the 5-in-1 Fitness Bundle? I mean what else could a guy ask for to get him back into shape? I was sold and eagerly started looking on the screen for the “Buy It Now” button. I was all prepared to give this another chance but then I saw that this product had gotten a less than stellar review. My curiosity was piqued, what could someone possibly find wrong with such a cutting edge product? The comment stated,

I received my Wii 5-in-1 Fitness Bundle yesterday and opened it today. It does NOT come with 3 pairs of socks as it says here on Amazon.com and on the box. I only received 1 pair.

Oh no! You mean I only get one pair of athletic socks with this? This won’t do at all, I mean what if they get dirty and I need to wash them? I won’t be able to work out until after laundry is done. That will of course cause me to lose fitness level which will result in more abuse flung my way by the Wii Fit. No, I just don’t think I could deal with that. I slid my credit card back in my wallet and walked away. Thank heavens I read that review first.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *