The Last Day of Vacation

We returned from our trip to Utah-Idaho on Friday but today is officially the last day of vacation. All of the bags have been unpacked and tomorrow we return to the daily grind. As I woke this morning I just laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Well actually I laid there staring at the ceiling fan that was spinning attempting to keep the house a few degrees cooler sparing his friend the air conditioning unit. Sometimes I feel kind of pathetic to think about what amuses me. I laid there looking up forcing my eyes first to focus on a single ceiling fan blade to see if I could follow it all the way through a single rotation. Then I reached for the remote and changed the speed of the ceiling fan to see if I could still keep track of the ceiling fan blade. Before long Trina woke up and snatched the remote from my hand and switched it back to the slowest speed. As she rolled over to go back to sleep she made some comment about how I needed to get up and quit playing with stuff so she could get some rest. I wasn’t quite ready though. I laid there sans-remote wondering if it would be possible for me to somehow automate the ceiling fan and control its speed via the computer. I have no idea why I would do that since I could not think of any possible benefit to being able to control the upstairs ceiling fan from the computer that is located downstairs. Still it would be an interesting experiment. I briefly considered discussing the possibility with Trina but based upon her breathing patterns and the snoring going on she probably was not laying there contemplating the same things I was. Come to think of it, there is probably no one on the planet who is right now lying in bed contemplating the same things I am. Maybe Trina is right, maybe I am one of a kind and not in a good way.


After a few more minutes I decided that there was no way I was going to go back to sleep so I may as well get out of bed. Besides, today is the last day of vacation so I owed it to myself not to waste it. I went downstairs and absently pressed the power button on the computer before going into the kitchen to get a fresh glass of ice water. Although we have an ice maker in the freezer that feeds ice through the door I still have to open the freezer to see if the ice elves have come during the night to fill the bin with new ice. Sure enough there was a full ice bucket glistening in the light of the freezer door. As always I slowly closed the freezer trying to see the exact moment that the light went out. I know it has to go out as I press the light plunger and see that it works before closing the door but I still question whether it really does turn off or if there is some refrigerator sleight of hand going on just to make you think the light goes out. For the millionth time I consider setting up a web cam in the freezer first of all to prove to myself that the light does go off and secondly so that I can stream the making of ice to the web. I have no idea why I think that would be of interest to anyone. Trina says watching ice being created is second only to watching paint dry on the boring scale. My theory is that there are people in third-world African nations who have probably never seen ice being made and therefore I would be providing an important educational tool. Trina of course then has to bring up the fact that if they have never seen ice made before there is probably a really good chance that they don’t have the Internet and therefore would be unable to see my web cam in the first place. I hate when she says that as I have yet to figure out a permutation where someone would actually have high-speed Internet access yet not have ice. I think she has me on this one.
I briefly consider making breakfast. I have a craving for bacon and eggs. The only bacon I can find is turkey bacon. I have a real issue with turkey bacon. It is not that it doesn’t taste good, I can tolerate turkey bacon. It is just that it feels so fake to me. It’s kind of like buffalo wings. I’ve lived in Yellowstone Park and I’ve seen my share of buffalo and I can tell you that they don’t have wings. I can also tell you that buffalo do not think too highly of you checking out their fur trying to find wings either but that is a different story. Turkey bacon always brings back memories of zucchini and those memories are never favorable. I am not a big squash fan to begin with and I rate zucchini at the bottom of the squash food chain. The thing that bothers me the most with zucchini is that it is a pretender vegetable. When I was growing up my mother and grandmother raised zucchini. That might not be the right terminology. People don’t grow zucchini, they just maintain it. I am a firm believer that zucchini is some sort of weed because it will grow anywhere. I swear I once saw a zucchini plant growing out of a crack in the concrete. And one plant is capable of producing what seems like a million squash. When a zucchini plant starts to produce it is humanly impossible for one family to consume all of the squash it creates. You can always tell when it is zucchini harvest time. There are bags of the squash sitting in everyone’s driveway with signs begging people to take it away. As a kid we used to slip out in the dead of night and deposit zucchini on the neighbor’s doorsteps hoping we would not get caught. If you got caught not only did you have to take the zucchini back but you were penalized by having to take the neighbor’s zucchini too. When you have that much squash you have no choice but to be creative. My mother used to slice up zucchini and put it in everything hoping no one would notice. I would cut a piece of banana bread and halfway through the slice my mom would announce that there was zucchini in it. I would immediately spit it out. I hate when food pretends to be something it isn’t. That is just messed up. I am starting to feel the same way about turkey bacon. I have no idea what part of the turkey bacon is taken from and to be honest that is probably best since the last thing I want to know is that turkey bacon is made from that small bag of spare parts you find in the neck cavity of a frozen turkey. Those parts are just nasty. Just the thoughts of that make me shutter and I put the turkey bacon back in the fridge and settle for a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats.
My whole day was spent contemplating the various aspects of my life that are generally relegated to the dark recesses of my mind. Maybe it’s a good thing that I am going back to work. Too much vacation can be dangerous to my health and Trina’s sanity.


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