For as long as I can remember I have only slept 3-4 hours a night max. A lot of times it is even less than that. For whatever reason I just cannot sleep any longer than that. This means that I am up between 20 and 21 hours a day. So while everyone in the house sleeps, I am up doing something. It drives Trina crazy since she never knows what she is going to wake up to. One night I couldn’t find some spice in the cupboard so when Trina got up I had completely rearranged the spice cupboard. She is still trying to find stuff from that episode. In most cases my nights are filled with fairly normal activities such as programming, writing, or research. That of course leads it its own set of strange things like the night that I decided to rewire the house for networking. There is nothing quite like seeing the look on your wife’s face when she comes down to find holes in her walls and wire strewn across what was a clean house when she went to bed 8 hours ago. I thought I should have gotten credit for drilling holes in the walls without waking everyone up but obviously that didn’t count for as many points as I thought it should. Lately I have been trying to limit my destruction unless explicitly given permission before Trina goes to bed. I had to put that last part in since Trina says it doesn’t count if I go into the bedroom at 4 AM and ask her questions or get her approval since she will never remember that by morning.
Things have been getting a little better since we got DirecTV. There is usually some channel that is still broadcasting in the middle of the night. I’m still not happy that the DIY network goes to infomercials after 1:00 AM. This was especially bad about a week ago when I was bored and flipping through channels. I settled on the DIY channel hoping that they had updated their programming to be 24/7; but that was not the case. Instead I ended up watching someone named Chalene Johnson. She was demonstrating something called Turbo Jam which looked like a cross between dancing and martial arts. During the next 30 minutes she explained this program that would magically melt the pounds away leaving you with the hardened body of a sculpted God. Since the first of the year I had come to realize that my once athletic body looked more like that of an athletic supporter than an athlete. I had decided that I really needed to get back in shape. It has been a couple of years since my last shoulder surgery and in that time I had become less active and heavier. I don’t necessarily feel fat but I don’t feel good either. Hey, maybe this Turbo Jam thing is what I need. Yeah that is just what I thought. It’s amazing how good an idea sounds when it is 3:25 AM and no one else is around to stop you from doing something stupid. Armed with a web address and the motivation from watching 30 minutes of sales presentation I went to the computer and placed an order.
The television said it would be 3 low payments of $19.95 and in just a few short weeks I would look like Michaelangelo’s David. Interestingly enough, the web site differed somewhat from what I was led to believe on the television. First of all the 3 low payments somehow morphed into one large payment which was explained to me to be much easier for me. Oh yeah I can see that; I only have to lament one charge to my credit card rather than three; that’s a good idea. The next discrepancy was around the package itself. On the screen it showed what looked like the old World Book Encyclopedia 26 book edition of all knowledge of the world. As I went through the order pages I was continually asked if I wanted to add this piece or that piece to help me reach my weight reduction and body building goals. Until 30 minutes ago I didn’t even know I had a weight reduction and body building goal now I have an entire library of DVDs, a pair of gloves without fingers but with weighted palms, two pieces of elastic rubber, a pair of plastic handles, and a really cool measuring tape. I also got a lecture on disaster recovery as I paid an additional $6.95 for a lifetime of peace of mind knowing I could get a damaged DVD replaced. I was worried that when I retired and actually had time to go through these DVDs that I would find one of the discs defective and could not get it replaced. Now I don’t have to worry. That should be good for an extra hour of two of sleep at least. In the end what I thought would be 3 payments of $19.95 was instead a single payment of $134.32. And I didn’t even buy the personal coach services, the diet and nutrition plan, or online community membership. I also declined signing up for the vitamin and supplement of the month club but I am reminded of that with follow-up emails about every 3-4 days. So now I am in the waiting mode as I watch the door for signs of a buff UPS man who is going to deliver my new body via Free Express Delivery that only cost me $12.95. I’ve tried to explain this to Trina who is looking very skeptical at this whole thing. Trust me, at 3:45 AM this was a great idea. So I’ve made a commitment and according to Trina I am going to use these DVDs even if it kills me. I’m not sure what I can expect. This may be legit and I’ll end up changing careers and becoming a male model. On the other hand I may have just bought the most expensive set of DVD coasters I have ever purchased. This should be fun or at the very least funny. I just need to make sure that all video cameras are accounted for. I don’t think the world needs a YouTube link to a 4-5 minute video of me doing Turbo Jam. No good could come from that.